I stuck pins in a map.
Red means I’m going to you.
Yellow means I’ve been to you.
Blue where I am,
But pink is you.
That sardonic pin sits among a plethora of others,
Singled out alone.
It rests on the U.K. like a gentle reminder of where home is,
Where my roots are regardless of how far my branches stretch.
It is you.
I tie string between them,
A messy map of my life and a single bit of twine wraps itself around you.
It anchors me back to you.
When I told you I love you I meant it.
I carry those words with me across the ocean.
The tongues of those around me now make different words
but I can still taste yours in my mouth.
I know I will return to you,
We will embrace on the train platform under the yellowish hew from the lights.
I will bask in the smell of your aftershave,
Settle into my roots as I rest my head on your chest.
I’ll say the same words again,
Twine wrapped around my finger.
Knowing this pin was where I needed to be.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,034 Literary Works • 672,916 Reviews
Hello! KatyaElefant here to review! Happy Review Day as usual!
One thing that just bugs me is that it is not organized. I feel like this poem should be organized into stanzas. With each stanza having a different kind of idea. Also, another suggestion is when you say red(for example), you can make the words red. That would make it really stand out and just a good piece! Either way, good job with this poem!
Now for things that are great in this poem! (That is a lot of things!) I love the analogy with the map. I actually might be doing this right now in my love life......(don't judge. I plan XD). I map out all of the things...just not like this but I like it! I don't think this is a bunch of rambling! I think all of this is a lot of thoughts put on a piece of paper that speaks so much to me and many other people. You have excellent spelling and grammar. The imagery is amazing! I could see that map right across my face. I mean I could totally use this poem as a way to plan all my ideas. One thing that I feel that should be clarified(just noticed) is what is on the map exactly. Usually a map shows places, so does it pinpoint the places about this relationship. Is the map, a schedule? Can you explain this please? Anyways, great job with this poem! I really enjoyed reading it. Keep writing. Tell me when your next piece comes out.
Hi, J.C. here for a review!
Well, I suppose I have to agree. Not that it's a bad poem, but it just lacks spice, unlike many of your others.
One thing that I feel would really help this poem is changing the colors. Don't use pink for this other person. Not sure if this is about a guy and a guy or a straight couple, but yah, I wouldn't use pink simply because pins usually aren't pink.
At this point, "I" and "you" have become overly repetitive and start to get annoying. You sue them a lot in this poem, and it just speaks of lack of vocabulary, which I know isn't true with you. As you said, though, this poem is just rambling, so you probably already know that.
Even though this is such a simple thing, it really helps to establish the difference between a well rounded, knowledgeable poet, and someone who's just dabbling in the game. Staying true to the story is what's important, and had you said, "knowing this place was where I needed to be," I would have thought less of it. So good job on that.
Of course, I can't say this was an amazing poem, because it's not, but I'm impressed and grateful that it did not become the classic love poem. Simple and truthful. Well done.
Thank you retrodisco666!
#TheFaultInOurReviews
Thanks for the review, my only point back would be pins are pink haha
Hello, Rurouni is here to review from Rugido Sol!
I liked this! It had a nice feeling of, yeah I'm alone, but I know you're there.
I don't have any nitpicks really... Capitalization on every line, sentences on multiple lines, its your choice though.
This is a nice poem. I love the idea of a pin map, and you have lovely imagery! I can picture the entire poem in my mind! You did wonderfully there! And I don't have anything else to nitpick, just praise here!
I love the feelings in this poem, wonderful job!
I must wander off!
Always,
~Shad