z

Young Writers Society


12+

Hate cannot conquer love.

by retrodisco666


She screams, she bleeds,

she cries, she pleads.

She begs, she lies,

she's cold, she died.

I stand, I cry,

I scream, I deny.

I hide, I beg,

she can't be dead.

The flowers, they grow,

they blossom, they sprout.

They flourish, they bloom,

they cover her tomb.

I find, I tie,

I write, I climb,

I fall, I break,

I hang, I hang.

I'm cut, they weep,

I'm buried, six feet.

They beg, they plead,

they weep, they leave.

They engrave, they carve,

the place, it stands.

The girl who died,

for forbidden romance.

We dance, we hold,

we laugh, we love.

Those two smitten girls,

in the clouds above.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
101 Reviews

Points: 654
Reviews: 101

Donate
Tue Mar 04, 2014 3:23 am
MysteryMe says...



I don't have much time to leave a review, but I just want to say that I absolutely love this poem :). I don't understand poetry often, but I understood this perfectly, and I thought it was beautiful. Well done :D




User avatar
131 Reviews

Points: 33
Reviews: 131

Donate
Mon Mar 03, 2014 11:51 pm
Monsters wrote a review...



She screams, she bleeds,
she cries, she pleads.
She begs, she lies,
she's cold, she died.
I stand, I cry,
I scream, I deny.
I hide, I beg,
she can't be dead.


Well, I guess it's okay to throw a million things at the reader so fast and not give anything an effect greater than 'it rhymes.' I'm happy for you if that was your intention, but right now these words are flat on the page. There is no image here beside the one were you so blandly state that she dies telling the reader *picture what you must here*. What other source of thrill is there in this poem? To give us facts about the cliché of clichés? I don't understand what makes this poem anything greater then something spat out and posted in a poets free time. It is not hard to write, it is beyond easy, so if you really trying to push your poetic talents then you really need to try harder.


The flowers, they grow,
they blossom, they sprout.
They flourish, they bloom,
they cover her tomb.
I find, I tie,
I write, I climb,
I fall, I break,
I hang, I hang.
I'm cut, they weep,


Okay so what do you mean by tie? You are planning on leaving it there for interpretation not even giving the reader a chance to understand your hidden meaning? What are you finding? What are you breaking? This is what happens when things are not explained properly it just turns into words that are inconceivable when put together. But when people read it supper fast like they are supposed to they are not suppose to care that it makes almost no sense?

I don't mean to be mean but I'm sincerely wondering what most of this is?






Hi. You are being a tad bit rude but that's fine i can deal with it. I just want to say that there is a point of there being no copious amounts of imagery. Most poems now are so full of imagery that you can barely think of anything, so this was a stripping it to basics. I mean so of the most basic poetry of all time has next to no imagery in it. And others have liked it and understood so I mean it can't be that difficult to understand now can it.



Monsters says...


cool



Random avatar

Points: 4183
Reviews: 94

Donate
Mon Mar 03, 2014 12:02 am
View Likes
defiantAuthoress wrote a review...



Hey there; Kekai here to review! What a strong poem that you have here. I really love the rhyme scheme and the concept. I immediately felt a lot of sadness for the two characters, and I love that it's two women; you don't really make their sexuality the center of the poem either, and that makes me happy.
I only have a couple comments to make about the poem as a whole:

"I find, I tie,/I write, I climb,/I fall, I break,/I hang, I hang, I hang." For the sake of the rhythm of the poem, I would suggest cutting the last "I hang". It will help the poem flow better.

"I'm cut, they weep,/i'm buried, six feet." I think that you should probably capitalize the second "I'm", just for conformity.

In all though, fantastic job! Thanks for writing such a beautiful poem.





You must believe in free will; there is no choice.
— Isaac Bashevis Singer