The band plays with country stringed melodies.
That soft music drowns the bar in a comatose love.
“Wake up, wake up, wake up now”.
They stand in the green suits with white lab coats;
Indie scene trying to be different.
They keep chanting.
I scan my surroundings, my friends are here.
They nod their heads in unison,
Like toy dogs in car windows getting caught in a breeze.
We drink,
We move,
We sing.
“Wake up, wake up, wake up now”
They chant.
The floor sticks to the underside of my dirty brown converse.
The wooden floor stretches off into all directions,
Anchoring the darkness to the floor.
I move my hips to the beat.
“Wake up, wake up, wake up now.”
They keep singing their hook
As yellow strobes blind me.
Whiskey burns my throat.
I look for my friends but can’t see them,
I can’t see anyone.
I look at the band,
Stethoscopes hand around their necks like nooses.
“Wake up, wake up, wake up now.”
I feel myself falling.
The soft guitar strings become the mechanic beating of machines.
I hit the ground.
The wood splinters sending shards through the fabric of reality.
I try to grab something but there is nothing to grab and I am left in the darkness.
“Wake up, wake up, wake up now.”
I’m not sure I can.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
Hi, HappySmiles here to review!
First of, very good, wake up, wake up, the cry to people, really also a cry to ourselves. You have captured how the things of this world have put us to sleep, how we are blinded by what we see before us and not what reality is. Merily just robots controled by what the world wants us to be. You have set the scence to more of say, that we are in a book, and need to get free. I notice that you are calling out to be awake, to be free, the only freedom in life, is Jesus. But apart from that point, this was very good, and I look forword to reading, more of your work!
Thank you so much for sharing!
Hey, I thought that this was amazing. The imagery and repetition of it was really incredible. The way you described the situation made it simple to feel myself inside it. Your take on the common sights and experiences of indie-loving persons was humorous as well as disconcertingly accurate. I liked how it seemed like the narrator wanted out of the place he was caught in, but that he was utterly useless in freeing himself. Sometimes it can be hard to rid yourself of the cages you think are an escape. Anyway, I love this poem and I'm glad I got to be a part of acknowledging its awesomeness. Always keep writing.
Hey!
Show me what else you can do!
I really liked your poem. It's really fun to read when there's an actual story beneath the poem, you know? I wasn't expecting it to turn so dark, but I kind of liked it. This is honestly one of the best written and most unique poem I have read in a long time.
Now my question for you is:
Is that all you got?
Keep writing,
Smanske15
Hello Retro. I am Methrirr, though I suppose I'm powerless to stop you from calling me whatever you wish. Know only that I rarely ever do reviews, or even come on to the site lately, and have been very busy. In fact, 15 minutes from now, I have to leave for work.
That being said, I was browsing literary works, and the title "Wake Up Now" sat there right up on the top. That was the first good thing. It was a good title that made me want to read it.
Against my better judgment, I did read your poem, and I'm glad that I did. It uses fantastic imagery, and deep language to paint a vivid picture of the scenario you've laid out. It can read like prose, but has the flow of poetry and the language to match.
My absolute favorite part:
"The wooden floor stretches off into all directions,
Anchoring the darkness to the floor"
I like the image that paints. I do have one problem, and that is that the word "floor" is used twice in two lines. I'm sure you can use some more varied language for this one.
Well, I have to go to work now, but I took the time to review your work. It was a beautiful piece that started and ended strong, AND was able to capture my attention long enough to risk being late to work.
Keep on writting.
Methrirr123