Dear God,
I hate my life,
I'm forced to live with a man,
who will not admit I'm his wife.
He beats me, mistreats me,
and makes me feel sick,
I feel like I'm going under,
I need help quick.
Dear God,
did you get my last letter?
I think I need your help,
things aren't getting any better,
in fact they're getting worse
I just sharpen the knife,
and then with a quick flick,
I will end his life.
Dear God,
you still didn't reply,
I can't stand him,
and I don't know why,
that you don't let me end it.
The knife is still sharp,
I want to stab him in the chest,
and rip out his heart.
Dear God,
I couldn't wait any more,
I slit his neck,
he bled all over the floor,
I think I saw you in the stain.
I dug a hole out back,
threw his body right in,
his body landed with a crack.
Dear God,
I am in jail,
the police came and found him,
they think I went off the rail.
They could be onto something.
All I wanted was a sign,
but you wouldn't give me that,
you are not a God of mine.
Dear Sue,
you should not have killed him,
you have gone insane,
you slaughter your own kin,
you should be ashamed.
I sent you a sign,
I sent you a few,
but you didn't listen,
so to Hell with you.
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140,811 Literary Works • 673,693 Reviews
I see that you've done all the advised corrections so now this poem is really presentable.
It is fast paced and to the point, but I wonder if you could squeeze a bit emotion in there, really get to the bottom of why she's killing him: what has her husband done to her? You touch on it in the first stanza so it is therefore there but sort of left alone.
Until the last stanza there seems to be this annoyance at God for ignoring Sue. But the last stanza makes it seem like you, as the poet, are on God's "side" rather than Sue's? Are you? Maybe consider how you could make this a bit clearer.
Well, I have to say that was really good, a little... umm... ? -but good! ^_^
First thing: Because your writing this as if it was several letters the first letter (uh! I'm repeating words...) in the sentence after "Dear..." must be capitalized.
"Dear God,
did you get my last letter?"
would be...
"Dear God,
Did you get my last letter?" etc. etc.
Second:
"Dear God,
did you get my last letter?
I think I need your help,
things aren't getting any better,
in fact they're getting worse
I just sharpen the knife,
and then with a quick flick,
I will end his life."
(See above) The end doesn't quite flow. You change your rhyming pattern. Instead of trying to end with a rhyme of "knife and "life," something needs to rhyme with "flick." This is thrown off with "In fact they're getting worse." (Does this make sense?)
I believe something similar happens in this stanza as well:
"Dear God,
I am in jail,
the police came and found him,
they think I went off the rail.
They could be onto something.
All I wanted was a sign,
but you wouldn't give me that,
you are not a God of mine."
That's all the criticism I have. Hope it helps! (Hope it made sense...) Danka!
Oh my God I love this! It speaks of the signs we miss from God, and the ways we live with the hardships in life. Yours, obviously, was a bit more violent than the everyday ones, but it still gets the message across! I love love love the different verses as different letters or prayers and different time frames. I also love the last one, where it is God talking back to you, assuming you're Sue! I will definately be coming back to read this one again. Keep writing, you're amazing at it!
-joallover
awesome poem!
keep writing1!
A little old to get bumped, but who doesn't want a review?
I see too many positive reviews, so naturally you need a critical one.
Usage of commas that don't break lines in the first five octaves is clumsy and doesn't reflect the paranoia or agitation of the speaker. Instead, it makes me think you're missing the power to hit the audience with complete thoughts; that's not to say you aren't capable, but each stanza just goes on and on and on and she's just in such dire straits. There's reason to cut stanzas up with periods.
Next, dramatic element that is inherent in this poem is too far-fetched. Elaborate on how big of a dick this husband is. As is, you make a sympathetic speaker seem demented and then make her out to be bigger bad guy than her dick husband. That many conflicting emotions is a problem. Which is why with the wife just falling apart with the sparse detail given and then killing her husband, seems far too abrupt.
My biggest problem with this poem is when you break one of the few standards of poetry, prose, movies, etc still around today, and that is give God (and other similar devices) a voice. Sarcasm/Humor/Comedy is an exception to this; but you must be very careful giving a traditional deus ex machina literary device anything but a mute representation. As is, it reads as very immature. I mirror the sentiment above that you need to show these "signs" clearly, otherwise God looks hormonal and the woman appears to be whiny and bipolar, and then there that husband who's sort of just used to give the wife something to write to God about. Maybe it would be more effective to make it seem like she's praying?
The biggest problem with God here is presenting God from your voice. I would advise a neutral narrator after the wife is in jail. If you insist on religious importance why not a Pastor/Preacher/Father? If I sound harsh, it's because this is a very ambitious poem and you needed more perspective on its effectiveness. Good luck!
WOW! I enjoyed this so much!
Hello retrodisco666!
Your poems never cease to bring raw emotions to the table. This poem was intense, it kept me on the edge of my seat! I love that at the end, Sue tells God that she no longer believes in him and God writes back to her and tells her that she's going to hell. Amazing! I don't have any criticism to give, I don't even feel like one part is weaker than the other. They are all heavily weighted and come together and a sadistic, wonderfully written poem.
Keep up the good work!
-SodapopLunchbox
All in all my main criticism is you should polish up your grammar and so forth. Good story telling and twist at the end. Felt a bit weird though because I immediately related it to the joke about God sending all these rescue people to a guy drowning and he kept saying, "My god will save me, don't worry about me." When in fact God was trying to save him via those rescue men, and says so at the end of the joke. The fact that God had sent those rescue men is what made the punch line work. This poem however we don't see anything that could later be interpreted as God's "signs". That made the twist less satisfying.
I like the way you make the reader think though if the lady, Sue, deserved punishment in Hell, was God right, did God want her to stay married to him? And so on...
Good poem.
haha i loved it!
loved this line. made me laughfew things. i think mabey if you somehow had the signs in there, but very unoticable, it would be cool.
also you misplelt feel (fell) in the first paragraph.
overall i think its great.
This is . . . well, morbid! Ha. But it holds a lot of power. It definitely deals with an overlooked everyday scenario; actually, it deals with many. Not only does it express, in quite a bit of detail, current marital struggles, and what they can lead to potentionally . . . there is also a tinge of the loss of faith here. The last stanza is especially effective to that point of view. It's an almost crushing way to end the little story you have here.
Most of my nitpicks are simple ones . . . with your construction. Nothing major; just be careful with your use of punctuation--such as using commas where a period or semi-colon would be better suited. In the fourth stanza, you used the wrong kind of "threw," by the way. But I do like your rhyme scheme. It's unique the way you set it up; the only flaw I see in it may be in the second stanza. It feels like you have one too many lines . . . either the "waiting for your word" or "and then with a quick flick," it seems.
Overall, though, this is a very good job. You have a very unique perspective.