Alone

I thought it was good but there are a few things that were a little bit off. All of my comments have already been pointed out so I won't bother bringing them back up in detail. Basically it was just some punctuation and the whole "threw" and "through" thing. But all in all a pretty good poem.

retrodisco666 wrote:Shall I throw pennies in a well,
making magic wishes? you may want to use something different here, such as "wasting them on wishes." what you have is good, though the second line sounds like it has a bit more potential.
or shall I toss my dreams
upon a falling blue star?

Should I see a fourtune teller,
offer her my palm,
watch her deal a deck of
brightly coloured cards? I don't know if you intended for this to happen, but I loved the sound of the last line when it rhymed with the last line of the previous stanza.

I think I have an issue,
a problem if you will.
My heart is faltering
and there is nothing I can do.
Beat. Miss a beat,
then miss a beat again.

I need to know my fate
before it gets any worse.
I need to know if I will die,
or will I get threw the worst. "threw" should be "through"

People claim to have broken hearts,
but mine just won't work. Perhaps add another syllable here? The rhythm sort of sounded off. Also, try changing the period to a semicolon. Just a suggestion.
The machine is hardly beating anymore
and I am starting to come to terms. Loved this line, and the one before it.

I have written a will and testiment,
said all of my good byes.
Tonight my heart will beat it's last,
and I will surely die.

I can not be called a widow,
neither can I a bride "bride,"
so when I pass whilst sleeping,
I will be as I have been all my life. Really, really like this line.
Skip a line, maybe?
Alone.

This poem was beautiful and saddening. I found this poem very detailed. I am glad I found it.

I'm really glad I stumbled on to this poem, although its depressing and sad, its brillant and amazing at the same time. I, like most who's posted and reviewed cant see much wrong in it. Great job.

retrodisco666 wrote:Shall I throw pennies in a well,
making magic wishes?
or shall I toss my dreams
upon a falling blue star?

Should I see a fourtune teller,
watch her deal a deck of
brightly coloured cards?

I think I have an issue,
a problem if you will.
My heart is faltering
and there is nothing I can do.
Beat. Miss a beat,
then miss a beat again.

I need to know my fate
before it gets any worse.
I need to know if I will die,
or will I get threw the worst.

People claim to have broken hearts,
but mine just won't work.
The machine is hardly beating anymore
and I am starting to come to terms.

I have written a will and testiment,
said all of my good byes.
Tonight my heart will beat it's last,
and I will surely die.

I can not be called a widow,
neither can I a bride
so when I pass whilst sleeping,
I will be as I have been all my life.
Alone.

This was a really good poem. It was sad but I know where you come from with that poem. You are a good writer. You are good at conveying the emotions. Good job. Keep writing.

~Dannielle~

Silented1- I could not agree more. My view started to change and I realise that it makes no real sense, I just wanted to post something. Thank for being honest XD

Stanzas 5 and 6 are your only good ones, the first 2 lines of stanza 5 are all that are okay from there. All of stanza 6 is good. Everything else you have means absolutly nothing. Except for the little death part.

Saddening! I actually made the puppy-dog face with this one. It's very constructive and well explained, the setting and all. Fantastic poetry.

There is absolutly no constructive advice I can give you for this as you obviously write amazing poetry! It is so sad and heartfelt and I could tell you meant every word of it it was lovely and a privelge to read, I tink I can get what the peoms about and if it refers to anyone in particular, I hope they get better.

It's really sad. I like it though. I can't find anything wrong with your writing. Good job.

retrodisco666 wrote:Shall I throw pennies in a well,
making magic wishes?
or shall I toss my dreams, I only add this comma because you had one before. I made the 'or' in the beginning of this line bold because I wasn't sure about it. I think the rhythm would be smoother if you took it out. Read the poem out loud both ways
upon a falling blue star?

Should I see a fortune I don't know about this. I am guessing there are two correct spellings or someone would have caught this already. teller,
offer her my palm,
watch her deal a deck of This 'of' should be on the next line.
brightly colored cards?

I think I have an issue,
a problem if you will.
My heart is faltering
and there is nothing I can do.
Beat. Miss a beat,
then miss a beat again. These two lines just annoyed me. I fell like there should be something more than this at the end of the stanza. It is missing something. But, I can't put my finger on it.

I need to know my fate
before it gets any worse.
I need to know if I will die,
or will I get through the worst.

People claim to have broken hearts,
but mine just won't work.
The machine is hardly beating anymore I don't know I just think you could find a more descriptive word than beating because you have already said it a few times.
and I am starting to come to terms.

I have written a will and testament,
said all of my good byes.
Tonight my heart will beat it's last,
and I will surely die.

I cannot (no space) be called a widow,
neither can I a bride
so when I pass whilst sleeping,
I will be as I have been all my life.
Alone.

retrodisco666 wrote:Shall I throw pennies in a well,
making magic wishes?
or shall I toss my dreams
upon a falling blue star?

Should I see a fourtune teller,
offer her my palm,
watch her deal a deck of
brightly coloured cards?

I think I have an issue,
My heart is faltering
and there is nothing I can do.
Beat. Miss a beat,
then miss a beat again.

I need to know my fate
before it gets any worse.
I need to know if I will die,
or will I get threw the worst.

People claim to have broken hearts,
but mine just won't work.
The machine is hardly beating anymore
and I am starting to come to terms.

I have written a will and testiment,
said all of my good byes.
Tonight my heart will beat it's last,
and I will surely die.

I can not be called a widow,
neither can I a bride
so when I pass whilst sleeping,
I will be as I have been all my life.
Alone.

retrodisco666 wrote:People claim to have broken hearts,
but mine just won't work.
The machine is hardly beating anymore
and I am starting to come to terms.(i don't know if you meet to say tears instead of terms it makes sence both ways)

This was really sad can't find any thing wrong =}