Hey there! Wow I really liked this poem! Your imagery of a fake person being like clockwork is spot on and original. I think it's awesome! I actually enjoyed your variation of line length. I think all short lines or all long lines doesn't flow as well as a balanced poem. It also makes the poem feel more natural (the opposite of fake haha)
On to the nitpicks:
You use the word "gold" in both the first line and the third line and it feels a little awkward. I get the alliteration and it works for one of the lines, but I personally find it repetitive. Maybe changing one of the words to metal or steel?
I also think that your poem is long enough to separate it into stanzas. I would recommend that you consider some divisions when your topic/image changes. For example, a break between the comments on the hands and the comments on the words.
I don't think you need the period after the quoted line "I love you"
That's all I got. Really really nice. Once again, great unique idea with the clockwork and robotic imagery. This poem has deep emotions and it feels really real. You have a good length, not to long or short. Also the last line is a great finish to the piece. Well done!
Keep it up!
Points: 399
Reviews: 18
Donate