She wears six inch heels.
They clack against the pavement
as she runs down run-down roads,
full of people dreaming their
somber 9-5 nightmares.
.
She wears six inch heels.
They clatter across crowded bars
into shady corners where the
people breathe in their
own poisoned oxygen.
.
She wears six inch heels.
They are coated in brown clay
from far gone fields which
she cannot remember.
She follows strange men.
.
She wore six inch heels.
They lay strewn across dark rooms,
dimly lit from streetlights.
Casting dim glows over
white powdered packets.
.
She is buried six feet deep.
Too many bad people, in bad bars.
Too many poisoned chalice
and bathroom trips for white lines
to help her forget everything.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
Wow, this a really, really neat poem.
Yeah that's right, not just neat, but really neat!
Haha anyway, I really thought this was a beautiful poem. It was one of the poems that leaves you thinking seriously at the end of it, and for me it made me think about how I'd survive if I was thrust into that kind of world.
I like the message as well. I kind of perceived it as this women who was trying to fit into society, but kept on getting pushed down, until she was I guess six feet under.
Ahhh, another thing. It was interesting how you used 'She wore six inch heels' at the start of every stanza. It gave it a nice repetitive flow and when it changed to 'She is buried six feet deep' it really sunk in hard.
Anyway, really nice poem;
LGF
This is amazing. Really interesting take on a very interesting problem in society .
Hey! BitterRosemary here to tell you that I love this. The punctuation is slightly questionable, but very good substance. Very good!
It's sad what society has done to its people. We try to be perfect but we never can be perfect so we turn to other alternatives to make ourselves feel better. As you pointed out we go from wearing six inch heels to being buried six feet below. It's a sad reality which isn't true for all people, but it is true for a lot of people. My only criticism is that I think the poem would be better if you added a stanza about how that person was once a little girl who had hopes and dreams that will never be reached because society forced her to make bad choices.
This is a beautiful poem. Thank you a lot for sharing it. I love the repetition and manipulation of the tenses for added affect. After reading, wore and buried my eyes were racing to read what happened, it was a subtle, sad, but beautiful touch. I really like the lines: "Casting dim glows over
white powdered packets." It makes it seem like their ghosts are floating over their bad decisions.
Reminds me a bit of The A Team, this would have been a nice ode to it.
Hi,
Erin here to review.
I sort of have a thing against the line "Maybe people should stop poisoning themselves". Apart from my personal opinion about it, as a reader, I don't feel it goes with the entire piece. It sort of stands out in a negative way, and I'm not sure you want that.
Second, it seems judgmental. I obviously realize that the poem is about drug abuse, and you think that use of drugs is poisoning oneself. Which is pretty true. But, this lines comes off as pretty judgmental. It's like you're shunning them, accusing them of something. One ought to not do that against anyone, and especially against a drug user, because you never know why they do what they do. no one has any right to judge unless they've walked in the other person's shoe.
That said, I quite like how you've used the "she wears six inch heels" line. It is a phenomenal idea, and goes really well with the piece.
I like your piece.
Keep writing!
Erin.
I think this is mostly good, I just have a couple of slight nit-picks. Let's start with the good, the imagery, to me, was very clear. I like how you wrote it, especially with this specific subject. I would also suggest breaking up that last long chunk into three different stanzas. It seems like a lot to take in-in just one stanza. The last line is a bit iffy, but I think it's personal choice whether to keep it or not. Overall I really liked it, and thought it was great.
Hi there!
So I think this is mostly good. You've got some good imagery that covers different facets of society, and good repetition. I just have three things:
1) I would suggest breaking up that last long chunk into three different stanzas. For one thing, it's a bit much to take in all at once. For another, it doesn't flow as well in a single stanza when we're used to the separate stanzas starting with the "six-inch" thing. I would suggest breaking this into three stanzas with the second stanza starting at "she wore six-inch heels" and the third starting at "she is buried six feet deep."
2) I think you meant for the word "chalice" near the end to be plural? It reads weirdly as it is, anyway--should be "chalices."
3) I'd get rid of the last line. It's too open. Poetry is not about directly stating things--that's why we use metaphor, simile, imagery, and so on. You've got a good social commentary with the character of the woman in six-inch heels; the last line is unnecessary, bland, and adds nothing. So I'd cut it.
That's it. Otherwise this is really strong. I think if you make those changes, then you've got it.
Blue
interesting.