Young Writers Society

Hi there, Panic here with a friendly review! First of all, let me just say I really love this piece. I know so many of my friends who have gone through almost the same thing and I feel truly terrible for the things they have to put up with. But anywho, before I get too distracted, on with the review:

"through the thick and thin"
This is the first line that bothers me, the weight of the sentence isn't equal on both sides. This could be fixed by either changing it to "the thick and the thin" Or "thick and thin"

"and you would not see my anymore"
Just a minor error here, I'm pretty sure "my" needs to be changed to "me"

"it is just something I am"
This is my own personal preference here, but I feel as though the sentence would sound better like this perhaps? "it's just something that I am"


" But you turned me away on march 28th because I love a man"
This section here uses both past and present terms "turned" and "love" changing it to "loved" might work out a bit better seeing as they'd both be past tense.

And that's all I have to say :] Again great piece, I loved reading it. Keep up the good work! (^-^)@

Hi there!

First of all, this is a such a beautiful poem. I've read some of you other stuff and you really have a gift for giving off so much emotion in just a poem. Really, stunning. The story itself was heartbreaking and I feel for you and I hope one day your dad comes to terms with your sexuality, because I could feel your pain and the struggle's you've been through to produce this work.

Overall a very neat poem and I can tell your very talented.

My favorite lines;

You told me you'd walk on hot coals for me,

or even broken glass.

Thanks for posting!

LGF

This is really really good. I really have no complaints. I loved the writing style and your grammar and spelling is also very good. This is such a beautiful story and really goes deep into the narrators thoughts and feelings. It breaks my heart, and I wish I could know the ending.
10/10

First off, this was fantastic all around. I love the picture you painted around the middle, and I loved following you through the different stages of your life. The presentation of your idea, in general, was beautifully done.
That being said, the beginning was a little clunky. I feel like your diction could have been more elegant, a little more flowing, and whether that's a poets' decision you made or not, I just thought the beginning could use a little work.
There are two spelling mistakes that I won't be picky about because it was probably just lost when you copied the poem out, or maybe it's my iPad glitching or something.
There are some places where the meter of the lines don't add up. If you're going for a rhyme scheme, you have to stick with it throughout the poem, or it feels a little choppy. There were some great rhyme scheme lines that flowed really nicely, and then a few where I felt like I was on a bumper car.
The ending was beautiful, heart-warming, and a total show-stopper. I love the rhyming couplet just before the last line. It really drives home your message of love despite everything you've been through. Zero zip nada no complaints on that score.
I wish you the best of luck with your life and future poetry endeavors. Fantastic piece; I hope to read more!

(*Cries head off*) Oh, my goodness, this is so sad! I love the gist of it, how he's asking his Dad to just see him this one time, and let that one day at least be a happy memory…
Oh, it's just HEART-BREAKINGQ!!!!!! D ':
This is so beautiful… I can't bring myself to review it.

Love this! (*Collapses on desk and starts weeping uncontrollably again*)

~Curiosity(killed the)Cat

I love it! I understand and see the need for acceptance in our world, especially with the LGBTQAP community. The feeling and rhythm you sent through this poem was amazing and stunning. I'm glad I finally found a poem like this!
One little grammar mistake in the last stanza:
"Plesae" should be "Please", right?
Keep writing! <3

It reminded me a lot of the great song "Cat's in the Cradle", but only from the son's perspective. I thought it was really great and it was awfully heartwrenching. While there is no such thing as a tearjerker for me (not even "Boy in the Striped Pajamas"), it was still sad and touching. I thought it may have been true at first, but then I saw your age, so, it made me feel a little better as I hoped this wasn't the case with you.

Either way, I look forward to reading more of your poems.

- Spotswood

That was great, particularly thee beginning, middle and end. The recollection to when you were eight really put the poem in a perspective.
In the middle the disinheritance paragraph was amazing, the focal point of the poem, although I would suggest you change the line break in the last to line of this segment to just after "28th".
The rhyming portion at the end made it, not more meaningful, but it made it echo in the head more if you take my meaning.
There are a couple of minute spelling mistakes in this work you may wish to correct. Specifically, the penultimate line you have the e and a mixed up in please, and on the fifth line of the penultimate verse I think you are missing the word "would" or something similar.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!

Hey there retrodisco666! Storybraniac here to review. I gotta admit, this is a really good poem. I haven't seen a lot of poems about "father - son" relationship, but this one is just mor than excellent. My favourite part was

"You told me you'd walk on hot coal for me,
Or even broken glass.
You said to me that I was the best son,
That you were so proud that I had become a man."

It describes the love between both of them. I also liked the last part where he describes that even if they are not together, he really loves him.

nitpicks, spelling and grammar mistakes

You don't have any!

Good job! You are a really good writer. A like from me.

-Storybraniac

Hey! XD

I am noticing a theme throughout your work in that they all make me want to cry. You write about heartwarming, familiar issues that seem so true. It seems like you have experienced this all and it's interesting that you have captured the feelings within so aptly.

'Dad I'm 27 now.

I'm not your little boy anymore.

But if you could see me with the love you once did

or even without an ounce of hate.'

The way this has been written reminds me of the narrative in that Eminem song 'Stan' and that makes me want to cry as well. So this is all very touching stuff. It also the major reason why i love reading your work. Not only does it make me think something, it makes me genuinely feel something as well.

Keep writing.

This is great.

~BSF

Wow, so beautiful how you made this!

One small thing tho, "and you would not see my anymore."
It has to be "and you would not see me anymore."
Just make sure you double read it before you post.
That was the only thing

Great poem , yo have included rhyming words ,with some rhythm.Continue your good learning.



Lotus.