We sat under that oak tree,
hiding from the midday sun.
We watched those ducks run by
ushered by that mothering mallards bill.
You picked up a white feather of the ground
and you traces these translucent tracks trailing
towards the thick gash across my wrist.
You told me that these memories made you happy
because you had something to fix;
Sweety I never said I was broken.
.
We sat as you told me that you had brought me so far
out of darkened corners of my barren mind
in which I had morphed my memories into monsters
but of course you were the guiding light,
this messiah whom I could not survive without.
You were wrong Sweety.
.
I have never cared for condescension.
What I did when I was younger I carry around,
like pretty girls in crop tops with belly button rings,
and yes I may regret my choice more than they;
but they were choices all the same.
I chose to grab that finite bit of glass
and draw melancholic marks across my arms.
I was in a dark corner of my mind
but that was years before I met you, Tom.
I was better before you, Tom.
I fixed myself, Tom.
Don't you think you had anything to do with this, Tom.
I don't need you, Tom.
.
I say none of this.
I giggle like a childish school girl
and humbly take your condescending comments.
I let you trace my translucent track marks
with that white feather and I smile.
My man. My Messiah. My Hercules
who with god like prowess took away the darkness
which has trapped me for so long, yeah right.
I want to tell you, Tom, but I won't.
Because I'm worried what this darkness could do to you.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
I love it. However, there are some typos:
and you TRACED these translucent tracks trailing
You picked up a white feather OFF the ground
Also the M in Messiah in this line should be capitalized:
this Messiah whom I could not survive without.
I think the part with the repetition of Tom could be fixed up a bit. I think the repetition detracts from the poem and you could cut out some parts so it's not so choppy. Maybe like this?:
but that was years before I met you.
I fixed myself.
You had nothing to do with this.
I don't need you.
Otherwise, I really liked the poem, especially how the girl (I assume she's a girl) realizes how condescending Tom is being and doesn't just melt into his arms and say," Oh thank you Tom for saving me! You're my hero! Whatever would I do without you!" That kind of sexist portrayal annoys me, but you had none of it. It was a great poem. i loved it. I hope you keep writing.
Just one thing: I wonder what will happen when he finds out? MWAH HA HA HA HA!
>: )
Reading through the poem, I noticed the following:
''You picked up a white feather of the ground'' (off not of)
''and you traces these translucent tracks trailing'' (you traces?)
''Sweety I never said I was broken.'' (I would scratch the ''I'' so it reads: Sweety, never said I was broken..)
''I have never cared for condescension'' (I would scratch the ''have'')
''What I did when I was younger I carry around,
like pretty girls in crop tops with belly button rings,'' (Beautiful comparism; original)
''Tom.'' (the repetition seems a bit excessive and in my opinion unnecessary; it kills the flow of the poem)
Your ending is pure beauty.
Overall, Your poem draws its beauty from the subject matter. Very interesting! I found it unconventional, really needed in an age where most poems focus on the same themes.
Tend your flame...
Hello there!
.
You have obviously got a wide range of good devices here. To name a few, alliteration, rule of three and varied sentences. So I won't concentrate on them.
Your punctuation is generally pretty good; I am glad to see your use of semi colons. However methinks it could be improved in a couple of spots. The first three lines of the second verse read a little rushed so you may wish to slow it with a couple of commas, placed as you see fit. Also a comma after the third line might be an improvement.
Other than that this is a mighty fine poem
Take That You Fiend!