So here is my white flag,
I physically can not fight anymore.
My muscles ache from the battle,
and my blood collects in pools on the floor.
I look around me, friends lay crumpled
amongst themselves, who has slain whom?
I walk towards you, arm outstretched
with linen in hand. They say
surrender is for the weak, I think it
is for the strong.
My heart beats irregular patterns
and my mouth is dry with the end.
The sickly smell of roses collect
in the room around us.
It was time for me to say it.
After all this time,
I only had one thing to say.
She smiles at me, wears
it like a dagger across her face.
"I love you," I muster.
She had my surrender.
I could no longer battle;
could no longer fight.
She had won,
and I have thrown down my white flag.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
This is interesting, and I haven't seen an original piece like this in quite a long time.
Moving on.
First, maybe you should delete, "so" on the first line. I believe it is unnecessary, for your are still beginning the poem.
On the second line, close the space between can and not. It breaks the flow if you read it that way.
"And my blood collects in pools on the floor" should be a little shorter. "And my blood is littered on the floor" is a suggestion or just delete "on the floor".
"Friends lay crumpled
amongst themselves" seems breathless, and it cuts the flow in your breaks. Completely deleting the whole second line could be another option. "who has slain whom?" isn't needed.
Again, there is the connection here and there. Fix it in any way you can if you would like to change that.
The third and fourth lines stray too far off the poem's main message. A rewrite is suggested.
The second line is just repeated the first line. I don't believe you need it.
The fourth line sounds too forced. Also, like the previous warnings, it's too connected with the word "with" from the fourth line.
Here is the surprise. I myself, in fact, was surprised by this. I did not know that the "enemy" was a woman though, so it came as a complete surprise like I already said.
An okay way to start finishing the poem. Good job.
A good stanza to finish the poem. With all due respect though, "and" from the last line could be deleted. "thrown down" doesn't seem to fit either.
My rating to you good sir, is a good 8/10. I already see many works of poetry. I may review more of them. Keep writing!
Very interesting and original. I also love the comparison. Though I'm not sure how your friemds could be slain during love, but I can imagine it. I love the last stanza. I think that it is great. This reminds me sorta of an unwilling love for someone. That would make a lot of sense, given the poem.
Anyway, great job! I can't find anything wrong in this at all.
-Nana
I liked the way you compared the fighg of falling in love to a War. I didn't really expect that until it got further into the poem. It really shows how falling in love can be hard sometimes.
Something I must pick on though is that you said "with" twice in the 8th line. Whether or not you did that on purpose, I have no idea, so I'm telling you anyways:D ~C.C.
This line is sort of confusing. "Physically, I do not fight anymore" might make more sense, if that was what you were going for.
I'm not sure if slained is actually a word, I don't think it is. You could change it to "who has slain whom?"
I love this, lovelovelove.
It would flow more smoothly without the repeated she.
Alright then. These are all just suggestions, except the last one, that really should be changed. But I loved this, the imagery you used really formed an image in my head of a battle field. This is fantastic! : ) Solid work, soldier.
Your poem is awesome!! I love the first stanza and the last stanza, and the way you mixed up the meaning. So the poem is about surrendering to love? That's good, and the way you wrote it is simply dazzling. Keep writing and writing and writing!!!