The moonlight shone down
onto her pale, beautiful face.
Her firm jaw framing her
perfect smile.
I could not love her more
than I did at that point.
I pushed her yellow hair
behind her ear.
She dipper her head;
half smiling, half blushing.
She was astonding,
incredible. . .magical.
Her lips trembled from the cold.
She looked up meeting my gaze.
Her eyes were a sky blue,
the moon reflecting in the iris.
I placed my hand on her cheek.
I shakily leant in,
our lips met,
both shakily, both scared.
Her lips were warm;
tasting of strawberries.
Our lips didn't part,
we kept kissing.
Our mouths opening more,
kissing more and more.
Our mouths more agape,
fueling our passion.
Our passion increased,
I pulled her in closer,
we clung onto each other tightly.
It was perfect.
We finally moved apart,
seeing each other once more.
She could not have looked more perfect.
"I love you," she whispered,
it was barely audible ,yet filled my body with warmth.
"I love you too." She smiled,
it was perfect. She was perfect.
The night was perfect.
"That was the night of our first kiss."
I looked out to see the funeral procession,
some weeping, some smiling.
I turned to the open coffin,
and saw her;Amber.
She still looked as beautiful,
and I had loved her more everyday,
since the night of,
our first kiss.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
I love your poem it have a good flow. I like when you describe the character's actions. And in the end i read it two times and it feels sad. One thing is add emotional and feelings. And nice organization and rhyming. Thanks for reading my short review, Happy WriTING!!
I've never had my first kiss because I've always been scared to, but reading your poem makes me less scared. It seems like a wonderful experience to share with someone you love. I'm glad that you got to share yours with someone you love. I'm sorry that even though love last forever we, being human, don't.
I've never had my first kiss because I've always been scared to, but reading your poem makes me less scared. It seems like a wonderful experience to share with someone you love. I'm glad that you got to share yours with someone you love. I'm sorry that even though love last forever we, being human, don't.
This was so beautiful and so unpredictable! I loved it <3
I love reading your pieces, they always make me want to cry, but in a good way!
You have such a talent, words cant describe!
this was posted on my birthday
awww
well anyway, this was beautiful!
It was interesting. It was also... descriptive. Although, while I was reading this, I did feel as though I was reading a short story instead of a poem. This sounded a bit passive as well.
3rd stanza, first line. "Dipper" doesn't make sense. I'm going to have to assume that was a typo, and it was meant to be "dipped".
Nitpicks:
Spoiler
3rd stanza, 3 line. "Astonding" is most likely to be "astounding".
Now, time for me to go from stanza to stanza.
Before I get into further detail. I recommend adding a comma after "down", "her", and so on. Otherwise, I don't think it will have that much rhythm to it. I'm saying this for not just this stanza, but also the others.
However, everything else is completely fine or at least I don't catch anything that I think should help your poetic poetry.
I debated on whether or not to put "yellow hair" with the nitpicks, and I finally decided to write it here. Shouldn't it be "blonde hair"? I also believe it helps the poem flow a bit better.
Everything else is OK.
Why would she dip her head? To cover her face? I don't understand. It might've been to add another line. Yet, still.
What does her lips have to do in this stanza? You weren't able to put it in the previous stanza? Odd...
You used "shakily" twice in this stanza. It makes it kind of annoying and repetitive. You could take out the first one. It's probably a better choice than the second, unless you have better ideas.
The last line kind of bothered me. I don't know what it is, but I suppose it's because it's so simple. But, the third and last line were about the same thing, so I don't see why you added the last line. Maybe that's it.
It bothers me that you used more three times. Using it twice in the second stanza was fine, but throwing it in the first stanza... well, I didn't really think it was that good. "Wider" could've replaced the first "more". Of course, there are probably other words you could use.
Again, repeat, repeat, repeat. "Passion" twice. They are, though, in different stanzas so that changes a lot.
Other than that, I think is fine. I actually enjoyed reading it. Great job.
Probably my favorite stanza. I especially loved the last line.
PERFECCCCCTTTTTTTT!!! What are we? Cats? I guess this is the time to drop in and say that this time, I actually praise how you repeated "perfect". It really helps the flow and rhythm without actually rhyming words.
Why is the first line in quotes? I don't think they're necessary.
And why would some people be smiling in a funeral?
A good way to finish off the poem. Awesome work.
I would really love to read a sequel to this. Like, what happened after the girl died.
That was great, keep writing!
Aww
that's so sad. The poem was wonderful though. I loved it. Especially the ending. There were a couple mistakes but everyone before me has already pointed them out. Wonderful poem 
Keep on Writing
-Roxy
Hey! Great work with the poem, I really liked it. I loved the way you described her, the color of her hair, the way she was smiling, the way you touched her, the way you gazed at each other, the way your lips were moving, the moonlit night. I could go on and on like this but I won't 'cause I need to point out some minor mistakes and don't sweat 'cause otherwise it was great poem, it is and it will be.
I don't get the word 'dipper' here. You've used it as though (from what I understood) to lower her head but it actually means to scoop and I don't think dipper is the correct word here. It really is messing it up.
The word you've used here: 'astonding' is not a word. I think the word you intended here was 'astounding', If I am correct.
There should be 'comma' here and not a 'full stop', it sounds bit odd reading it with a 'full stop', because it requires a small pause, not a long one.
I don't get the use of the word 'agape' here. It means 'astonished', 'astounding' or 'open-mouthed'. Your mouth cannot be astonished or astounding so, the first two are out. The next is open-mouthed and you can't be open-mouthed when you're kissing. Can you? I don't think so. So please explain that.
I think what you should put a'comma' after 'too'.
I don't see 'semi-colon' fitting in here. You should really consider changing it.
If I were writing it, I would write something like:
or something along those lines. You can simply use a 'comma', a 'colon' or a 'hyphen' instead, it would work too.
By the way, I loved the way you ended it. It was sad but it was really beautiful and emotional. I loved the your idea of introducing the girl, Amber from the story of your first kiss and ending it with her funeral.
Loved the poem. Keep writing....
-rooh-
Hi!
When I first saw the title, I thought aloud, "I don't think that sounds interesting because it's just a first kiss..."
And after a few seconds, something told me that this must be on the front page for a reason.
This is fantastic.
(OK, I don't know how to make those professional comments, but I love this.)
Hello there =]. Here to review a bit. The title had me a little shaky, since romancey things are usually not my thing. But anyway! I found a few grammatical errors, all of which was pointed out by someone else, thank goodness. When looking at the whole thing.. I think you have a pretty solid piece! Nice work =]
Awww this is cute and sweet. Im just curious did you make this up or did you experience it??? PM me the answer because I might forget to check here for the answer. Well that is if you wanna tell me!! Thanks!!!
-Brittany-
i really liked the poem it was very lovely and hope to get a chance to read more of your poems.
WOW! That is so sad! I love the way that you described that and I think that is a beautiful poem. Great job.
I really loved this! This was beautiful and heartfelt and every other word that goes with amazing. My only nitpick is that I don't really think he would be telling this to a bunch of funeral goers. I think that it should've been something that was too special to share with anyone else. Other than that it was great!
Cheers,
Luxe
That was so sad, and unexpected. And if that was real........ im really sorry for your loss. Really great, really passionfilled thank you sooooooo much for sharing.
I really like this poem, especially these lines. Keep writing!!!!!
That was amazing. When i got to the end, I'll admit, my eyes were tearing up a little bit. I'm a sucker for poetry and it was cute in the beginning; the twist at the end most definitely made it. I loved the way you used the language, it was definitely different and it had distinct voice which, without that, it would have been just another love poem. You've got a gift, don't be afraid to use it.
This is really sad
You use really good descriptive words to describe the kiss and the ending is just depressing (in a good way?: kinda. i don't know). Never stop writing! You are brilliant! THe only thing i would change is "dipper"...yeah you can see the problem there.
I wasn't expecting her to die. Everything that I noticed was already pointed out. The imagery was very good, romantic and I loved the sadness of the poem. Very good.!!!It made tears well into my eyes. That must mean the poem was good. It takes alot to make me cry. keep writing!!!
I really liked it! It was well written, and captured the way he felt about Amber. It had true passion, and I could feel the moment. You were very descriptive, which only strengthened the piece. Great job!
This is sooooo good! I did also nearly cry and it was so romantic. Any girl would be lucky to have you and the girl you wrote this for must be bawling with tears!
I know I would be. You're descriptive about her face and the kiss and the ending. Your description never ended which is great! I'm proud of you 
Okay I'm sorry to say but I saw the ending coming. It was so sweet so I guessed something twisted was coming up. I mean, it can't all be about kissing. I loved the beginning, the passion in it, but the ending was lacking that description. That made me sad. I want to see her cold dead body, have him/her (hey, I don't know the gender) touch her skin and feel his/her grief. That said, you could be more descriptive in the ending. It was just too breif for me and I wanted to know more. I didn't feel like crying and I know you wanted that reaction.
Still pretty good. I did enjoy it a lot.
This was wonderful, i almost cried, almost, but, i think the ending was very amazing, i bet NO ONE saw that comming XD
Very nice! Well done! *Sniff* (I could hear music playing while I read this!)
Keep Writing,
~FW~
So sweet, but oh, so sad! I was near tears! I loved it, great job!
This was a good read. Loved it. It was sad too, in just a good way. But just a little bit cliche though. Keep it up!
I love it! Amazing Imagery, amazing ending, ladies and gentlemen we have a new William Shakespeare!
Though I did notice a few teensy tiny mistakes:
First one I think "dipped"? not sure how a person can dip their head, anyway I'm not the poet here
But I'm definite that the second one should be #FF0000 ">astounding
You repeated the word #FF0000 ">more waaay too many times there
Loved the poem! Keep up the good work!
~~Destiny110
nice....feelings in the piece are very touching.
I really liked this poem. I believe it was a ballad? Or am I wrong? but anyways, this was a excellent piece Ross. I hope you do more items like this one. ^_^
I loved this poem and the way it flowed. Your descriptions and imagery were amazing, while there were a couple typos I suggest you just go through and read it over and you would be able to see them. This piece was really beautiful and sad, I liked the twist at the end it made for a really great poem! Thanks for posting!
Peace,
Snickerdooly
P.S- Congrats on this being featured
Whoa. I was not expecting that ending. You had the beginning be completely and total bliss and joy, and then the ending was all sadness....
#FF0000 ">You had shakily twice in here. Try replacing one of them with a different word, because it seemed a little redundant to me.A few nitpicks.
Overall, great job! Keep it up!
Hello there.
I've got nitpicks for you:
- I'm not really good with semi-colons but, I think it's more correct to use one after 'face'.
- Anyway, I think this is a pretty good opening.
- Maybe, it's just me, but I'm not comfortable with the word 'pushed' there. o.o xD
- Did you mean 'dipped'?
- Correction: 'astounding'
- Put a comma after 'up' since 'looked up'.
- You had a typo with the comma there.
- You should end this dialogue with a comma, then type the 'S' in 'She' in small caps.
- You forgot to put a space after the semi-colon. Also, I don't think a semi-colon is the correct punctuation mark here. Perhaps, a hyphen (or a colon)?
I don't know if I actually like this poem, but I think it's interesting to read.
I haven't had my first kiss. (XD)But the last part ended the awkwardness for me.Never stop writing!
Wow. This poem was so beautiful. The words were very descriptive; I could see what was happening in the poem in my head( like a mental video!) There were a few spelling errors, but other than that, it was wonderful. The ending almost brought me to tears. Its was very sweet. Keep writing!
Hey there!!
Well I must say this made me cry!!! Wow T.T nice job haha. This was beautiful and made me smile and cry at the same time...not an easy feat that. Haha. I can't find anything wrong seriously with your grammar. It seems alright in my opinion XD. So yay. Got to say these were my favorite parts.
Very amazing to me XD. Anyways I hope to read more of your poems soon. Keep up the good work. Happy Writing and Buenas Suerte! Sayonara and best of wishes.
Soulkana<3