Great job! The imagery is superb.
Here are my critiques:
1. "Smoking and warm,
and they burn to touch."
Much to suggest you change "to touch" to 'to the touch'? The former seems a bit too specific, and the latter seems to fit the line better.
2. "They linger in the aftermath
of the shot leaving me gasping"
Might I suggest something along the lines of this:
"They linger in the aftermath,
the shot leaving me gasping"
The break in the sentence in the original two lines makes the pause seem a bit much. Adding a comma and taking out the "of" sounds smoother and less like a broken sentence and more like two lines that are linked.
3. "for breath but I'm sure something
is broken."
After "breath" you might want to put a comma, since conjunctions usually need punctuation.
4. "Thomas gave me kisses
which felt like shotgun blows.
I guess I was giving them back,
blowing holes in his heart"
I think you should create a break between the "blows" and "back" lines. Having a break in between would signify a new thought, and ensure the flow of the poem.
Wonderful job! Hope this review helped!
Points: 13024
Reviews: 123
Donate