Hey. Here for a quick review~
I'll start off with the bits I thought flowed awkwardly, because if I start talking about what I liked, I could gush on all day about how your poems are like short-stories on their own. So much depth. Simple imagery that leaves little to the imagination, and yet triggers you off at the same time. I like it!
where I stop and analyze
the contours and curls of my hair.
Alright, so I've seen the word "contours" being used in poetry a lot, but it just doesn't fit here. Don't faces have contours? I like it when people use oft-used words in poetry in different contexts, but ... it doesn't seem right. Contours make the reader think of maps, and maps usually mean mountains and rocky stretches of land. Differences in altitude, canyons and depressions. And then the word "curls" just seems to be a stark contrast against it. Curls are ... wispy. Contours are not. It's the rigid and the fluid meshed together. Maybe this is just me, but I'd like to see you use something else to describe this bit here, okay? [/quote]
a fortress of possibilities
This is very deep. You used the word "fortress" here, which makes me think of towers and closed spaces. Vastitude within bounds. Nice. I'd like to see you expand on this, although it isn't really necessary. The thought just speaks for itself anyway!
which gather on my head intothose hollow chalices which
In both these places, I feel as though "that" would sound more appropriate than "which."
That ending! Gawsh. :O I love the idea you have behind this poem -- did I say that already? If yes, then I'll say it again anyway! -- because it shows us how weak we actually are, succumbing to human nature and the narrow confinements of the world.
Well done! Keep writing!
I hope this helped.
~Pompadour
Points: 27
Reviews: 396
Donate