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140,561 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
You're missing words.
ahhh It's getting scary :-p I wonder whether the chipped him, but I also think it could be the monkey. but who has bony fingers? and they were just THERE. The virus! XD
Awww, poor Kyle. I though he was going to die, that was terrible I almost had a heartattack. I loved how you made it sound so freaky, I mean Jon wasn't really there the first time, he was just getting out of the shower? That's scary right there. And then when Kyle was struggling on the bed. *shivers* I could picture every moment of it.
So, the disease chose Kyle? I know that it can choose its victims, I didn't know that Kyle would be one of those victims so it came as a huge surprise. I hope it stops messing with them! It IS pulling them together though, whether from cold or not, they were still together and that's what matters. lol
*Claps hands*
~Rieda
Lord knows I haven't read this story from all the way through, but the beginning caught me, so I looked at the first part (not all of it since I hate spoilers...
).
With that said, I noticed this:
The verbs are all the same. Well... not the same, but in the same style and there's really no variety in the sentence structure. You're going to want to fix that.