Young Writers Society

This was great. There's suspence around every corner and I have to keep reading to have almost every important question I have answered. You're really talented at leading your readers up a new path! Keep at it.

“Jo.Anne.”

Joanne, ruffled, turned on her heels and headed back out to the waiting room. The man waiting to see Dr. Graham didn’t look like a former patient. “Are you sure you’re one of his?”

“Are you new here? The old secretary, we cleaned filing cabinets together.

“Yes, Mr. Lylac, I am, and no, I don’t want to. He’s waiting in his office.”

Quote:
The phone rang. “Jesus Christ!” He grabbed the phone and slammed it against the wall.

Maybe you should get rid of the second ‘phone‘?


Quote:
“Jo.Anne.”

I think you wanted to write something else here, lol.


Quote:
“He says its urgent.”
Jonathon stood in his office: clothes wrinkled, hair uncombed, eyes red.

In my opinion, this fragment lack connection.


Quote:
“Yes, Mr. Lylac, I am, and no, I don’t want to.
Make two sentences and it’ll look better.


Quote:
“My envelopes are sealed, Mr. Lylac.”
Kyle winked at Joanne as he walked the familiar path to Jon’s office. He knocked lightly on the door and stepped in, “Jon?”

This is a surprising turn of action. How do we know what Kyle is doing if he is outside of Jon’s office?


Quote:
“For godssake, Jonathon—go get laid.” Kyle abruptly left Jonathon’s office.
“Dr. Graham?”

This is a bit abrupt. At this point it is hard to say who is saying what. You jump from one action to another way too fast.


I never read any of your former pieces, so it’s impossible for me to give a comment on your idea. What I can say is that:
a) Your text could use some description
b) You action is a bit too abrupt

i like it! especially the ending. it gives you a punch in the stomach. i liked the character development, especially.
but, i couldn't really imagine Kyle or Joanne. or the office.
but i like the overall idea. keep writing!