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140,561 Literary Works • 673,439 Reviews
Ooo this WAS da bomb Brad! Aside form the errors (which everyone else corrected) this was a perfect sequel. I too recognized the Rodriguez thing. I can't wait to see what's happening next. Great job on this I like how you brought Sarah back!
-Rieda
missing a word.
I love that.
Okay, so first its Jon speaking, then Sarah, but I'm confused. Jon just said they have to leave, and she says you don't understand, and then says they have to leave. ....What?
So the car didn't 'zip' in front of her (pass her) it hit her. Or she hit it? Make this more clear.
Passive voice. I'm surprised I picked this up. Isn't that passive voice? "Began crying" should be "cried". Eh, what ever....
missing the first quotation mark?
....what the F*CKING hell!? If no one else but me picked up on this, I'm going to puke. Brad, you are one insane man. Are they going to kidnap her or something? Or am I hallucinating? Isn't Rodriguez the police that needed to speak to Jon? *shivers* I hope I am right, because it is creepy, and I hope I am not wrong because then I'd look like an idiot XD
OK, it's just that they cost around 1.2 million pounds which is quite a lot, but I see your point.
Ofour--
Just addressing the first question, I would say: doctors are (in the US) the highest paid individuals hands down. Just in Houston (my currrent city of residence), the average salary of a cardiologist--mind, not a vascular surgeon or any type of surgery--is at $325k per year. This is higher and lower based on inflation across the nation, but I see no reason why a 40-year old doctor who has been single for almost 10 years now couldn't afford one.
In the UK and other parts of the world, it would, you're right, be highly unbelievable. Am I missing something?
Best,
Brad
"Jonathon’s McLaren F1" - Would a doctor have this car?
"She was aware her phone was ringing again. She was aware a siren was blaring behind her." - I'd put "that" after each "aware".
"Her breath became shallow." - "breathing" sounds better to me.
Very good, I enjoyed this immensely.
This sounds kind of weird. He says there twice.
Missing quotation marks.
I don't really get Sarah. One minute she's shooting and torturing, and then she's crying and afraid. Also, I don't know who she loves. Now, it seems like she really likes Jon, but up until now, I wasn't sure. I'd like her better if you added something concrete to her personality.
I really liked your decription of the car crash. Thanks for posting!
-Jenna