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139,536 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Stupid Ariel! If she would just leave them all alone! She ruins all of the "moments".
And yeah, ouch, Kyle and his mouth always seem to get him in trouble. *pats Jon* Jon is all crippled now...what is he going to do to defend himself against Ariel! And without Kyle and Sarah! Can't wait to read the next, Great Job!
~Rieda
yay! This was rad.
My only problem was the position of people in the scene where Ariel and Sarah Show up. Where is Kyle, exactly? I imagined him looking out the door, but still in the doorway, then Ariel is behind him? And john was (initially) facing towards him? So that when he turned around to see Ariel, Jon was behind him. This came off odd, was Kyle looking into the room, at Jon? Or did Ariel come from inside the room? It didn't make much sense to me, but you know I'm a poor reader at times ^^