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140,561 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
Awwww a baby? That's so cute, and starts a lot of conflict. I never knew that Ariel had become pregnant, but then again that was probably your intention. lol
The tension between Jon and Kyle scares me. They used to be so lovey lovey and now that they're older I can only hope that they can really love each other like they did in the first flashbacks.
I hate Ariel. More than I hated Sarah...for obvious reasons. She's a brilliant character but she's such a bitch. Even when you don't write about her ,other facts in the writing make you want to slap her. For instance, I'll read something about how sad Jon was for a while, and I hate Ariel. I'll read how badly Jon and Kyle are doing relationship wise in a flashback, and I blame Ariel. I could almost blame her for everything, it's actually kind of comforting. lol
This was great! And of course the ending was perfect!
Keep it up Bradness!
~Rieda
Can't believe I'm pointing this out either, but it bothers me:
I do this now and then, sometimes you can get away with it. But here, you didn't get away with putting dialog tag and action together. Fix it?
What a cute transvestite!
OMG dialog tag + action again...
now here, it works. Everywhere above, no
I think the only thing I actually liked in this whole chapter was the last line, and Jon's aside about kyle in a dress. Sorry Brad, but this was boring... They were arguing over something I only had vague knowledge of, and so it made me not care about the fight. All I know is they were apart, otherwise... It's like watching two people fight in a restaurant that you don't know. You watch because the fight is good, and what they have to say is good, but you don't get it. Here, not only do I not get it now and then, but it wasn't all too interesting... I mean... it was sort of but... I think it could be better?
I was excited it was a flash back—but for a while I wasn't 100% sure if it was or not. Considering: in the present they're together, and Ariel's around. It took me a while to place this on the time line, but once I did I was fine. I'm just thinking perhaps you should fix that? ((Although this could completely be just me.))
Hope this didn't disappoint you. (I feel a little disappointed.) I still love Ch though. Just not this chapter....or Sarah. 46 and 47 need some work.