z

Young Writers Society



Chionophobia #48 /P

by Incandescence


Removed.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
516 Reviews

Points: 4890
Reviews: 516

Donate
Sat Mar 17, 2007 5:50 am
Riedawriter23 wrote a review...



Ariel! I know I said I hated her like...maybe four minutes ago, but she's such an interesting character. I can only guess what Jon is feeling and that guess would probably be underestimated. Such a situation. Kyle did betray Jon! He may not have meant to but he took him to Chionophobia (Yay I found out what it is...well in the general sense) anyway.

Jon is so stuck. He has Sarah, Kyle, and now Ariel? I feel sorry for him, but I'm starting to think that he'll hate Ariel soon enough and get it through his head that Sarah isn't the one (like he was thinking before) and then stay with Kyle, the true love of his life. *sigh* But of course conflict, as your doing now. lol.

Kyle got his ass kicked again! Woo! I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm in love with these scenes. It's just that hurting your characters proves to be appealing to me, as simple as that. lol

Oh and it also scares me that Jon is so much stronger than Kyle. I always though Kyle the more physically fit one and this took me by surprise. And it was really cute when Kyle carried Jon all the way to the room! I'm upset with Kyle but, you can't really be too upset with Kyle, at least not for long periods of time.

This was hilarious Bradness, you pulled off jokes in parts of intense action really wonderfully. *claps hands*

Keep it up!
~Rieda




User avatar
2058 Reviews

Points: 32885
Reviews: 2058

Donate
Sat Mar 17, 2007 3:12 am
Emerson wrote a review...



Where. the fucking hell. are we?"
should 'the' and 'are' be capitalized? It looks odd this way, it looks like it was an accident (Honestly I didn't see the period after where, I saw it after hell.).

You've always lied to me to get what you want--"
Shouldn't this this be —? ALT+ 0151, but I'm sure you already knew that? And all the other --'s shouldn't they also be —s? (I didn't pick up on that until now....)

As Jon stood up slowly he clenched his hands into fists.
I think this sentence needs a comma. because it could be either, "As Jon stood up, slowly he clenched his hands into fists" (though this sounds weird...) or "As Jon stood up slowly, he clenched his hands into fists" (Probably the right one) Without the comma its odd.

When Kyle glanced away
Why did he glance away? (Completely serious question XD) Did he just decide "I'm going to look THIS way now, so that can give Brad a reason to have you hit me in the face without my noticing. But the reader isn't supposed to pick up on this." lol

Kyle was winded.
this verb just doesn't seem like the right one to use for what is happening. Just me.

"Get a room," he felt his stomach, checking for bruises.
should his dialog and the action really be connected? They seem so separate from one another... it feels odd for them to be together (I think I'm being overly picky tonight)

"We have a big day tomorrow, and I need both of you to be rested up for it. She tilted her head to the side, "Oh, I could only get a room with one bed."
you forgot your " after 'it.'

putting her finger to her mouth once more.
mouth sounds weird, lips sounds better.

Well I can't say it was my favorite chapter, but that is because I love all of CH no matter what is going on (even the last two) perhaps I'm not fond of pauses in the action? Oh well, I can get over it. (I'm over it.)

Was good! I laughed a lot, and I'm glad Jon didn't beat the crap out of Kyle...Was dramatic, worked nicely, blah blah. Those sort of things I always say. (It's becoming ridiculous the way I compliment you.)





Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
— C. Northcote Parkinson