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140,561 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
Dialogue: not as realistic as in previous episodes. An example:
These are cliche and sounds like they were written by a screenwriter. I don't feel like people say this in real life unless they're drunk (or school counselors, as a matter of fact, but I digress).
Logic:
He didn't actually finish his sentence when he said "Yes, I'll be there." He knew what Jonathon was going to ask, but he didn't finish the sentence, he responded to it.
Show vs. tell:
This bit's a little too tell-y for my taste. He's obviously feeling a lot of emotion but I'm not able to visualize his face or movements. His emotion requires perhaps another sentence that displays more?
I agree with Clau about the names. It's hard when they're both guys to use pronouns more than names, but the repetitiveness of the names makes it so, hmm...chunky?
Colleen
This was good. I like the discription at the beggining, it was very interesting as well as the fight and also the information and clues that you keep giving about past events really keeps your story going. Every time a read new chapter it seems like I go further back in the past and more ahead into the future as well. Never read a book like this before. Thinking of have this published?
Try saying something other than 'Kyle' because his name becomes very noticeable and repeated by the third paragraph.
missing a word.Maybe its the fact that I'm staring at it a little harder, but I'm also noticing "Jonathan" a lot, and names seem to be getting on my nerves right now.
Again, I feel like I was shoved into a story with not idea what is happening. But this time, I like it a little more. The fight was good, I'm interested again. I still want to know more. And what about the scenery? Can I see scenery a little better?
I don't really have a lot to say about this, I don't think I ever do. Same thing applies to this as did to the other ones, though. If that helps.