ChionoVision -66 /P

Incandescence wrote:Jonathon slipped his arm around Sarah's waist and felt her hips take on the exaggerated rise and fall stilettos conferred as they walked inti the club.

- “inti” – into. “conferred” feels odd here, it doesn’t equate with how I view shoes, lol, perhaps “demanded” or “commanded”?

Incandescence wrote: As usual, Kyle was dressed to the nines. Black Armani blazer and trousers, deep red Bill Blass button-up. Perfect smile.

- He’s a stunner! ^^

Incandescence wrote:“Jonathon," Kyle said, "perfect speech today." He winked. "How'd the office go once you got back? Get in our test results?"

- Nice little hook there; “Get in our test results” – I know I’m interested in what that’s about.

Incandescence wrote:Jonathon laughed tiredly, “Thanks. It was fine, Kyle, and no, not yet.” He looked around as if in search of refuge from the deafeningly pulsatile flow of youth.

- “pulsatile” my word check says this is spelt wrong, lol, but as I’m not entirely certain as to what word you’re trying for, I can’t tell if it’s wrong.

Incandescence wrote:She blushed, let out a tiny laugh, “It is.” They looked at each other for a second. "So, Kyle, who's this mystery person you wanted us to meet?"

- Tension! Of the possibly suspicious kind!

Incandescence wrote:“What can I get you guys to drink?” a young woman bristled from behind them. They turned and smiled up at her.

- Her bristling seems odd… is she being particularly snarky this eve? Or is she just one of those waitresses?

Incandescence wrote:Sarah smiled, “I think we all know who wants their bones loosened.”

- Lol. ^^

Incandescence wrote:Jon smiled sheepishly but didn't answer.

- He is soooo whipped.

Incandescence wrote:"Come on," Kyle pleaded, "this is The Lebesgue Measure--how can you not get up and dance?"

- I. Heart. You.

Incandescence wrote:"Hi!" she squealed, bouncing around and hugging him. "How weird that you'd be here tonight!"

- She’s either stalking him, or Kyle is a rather sneaky man.

Incandescence wrote:She simply looked at him. Her eyes were dilated, a half-smiled stuck to her face. "I need you, Dr. Graham."

- And she’s high? Also a hussy – but dilated pupils infers high, yes?

Incandescence wrote:"I'll do whatever you want..." she put her hand on Jon's thigh and began caressing him.

- See? Hussy.

Incandescence wrote:"Uhh--" Jon pushed Danielle off of him, "--nothing. She's, um, this is Danielle. Danielle, this is my fiancee, Sarah." Jon cleared his throat and then quickly explained. "Danielle was a patient of mine."

- My spell check is being pedantic about the accent in Fiancée. Does that matter hugely? Also, he is so not good at being inconspicuous.

Incandescence wrote:Danielle's eyes widened as though she'd just been deeply hurt. "Fine!" she spat, clumsily pushing herself out of the booth. "He loves me," she said to Sarah, narrowing her eyes. "He's always loved me."

- Well… she’s making a lot of assumptions after flashing him only once. ^^

Incandescence wrote:A sudden explosion of rhythm and beats made them flinch, and, even better, Jon thought, Danielle's voice was muted.

- This is slightly run on, or at least a little awkward with all the commas. Unsure of the best way to fix it… It’s mainly the second part of the sentence, of course.

Incandescence wrote:Jon shifted his weight from one foot to the other and waited for a couple who were making out to pass.

- Are they walking as they make out… or stumbling…or… this seems rather awkward, doesn’t it? Lol, perhaps that’s just me.

Incandescence wrote:"Then why are you so nervous?" Sarah demanded, eyes smoldering.

- Smoldering, niiiice.

Incandescence wrote:"See what I did?" Kyle scoffed. "Jesus Christ, Jon--that was hardly my fault." Kyle could tell Jon was hurt, but he wasn't going to take the blame for this.

- Her storming away was *totally* his fault. xD

Incandescence wrote:Jon stormed back by Kyle, who was now talking to a young girl, and then, in a flash of spite, turned around and cut between them. "You know something, Kyle? Don't come by the office tomorrow, okay? Sarah and I are going to Seattle."

- Traumatic cliffhanger type thing. Meanness.


I can’t tell if I actually like Kyle or not… he’s totally my kinda person.. but he’s sus. ^^ Lovely work on the characterization. Only small issues, as I’ve pointed out.

You have some nice descriptive words in there, and that works well but, to be honest, I didn’t feel like I was there. Sure I had the conversations, and I could almost see it, but I didn’t get to that point, where everything was right in front of me, playing out. Haha, I think you know what I’m going to say, but… description. I need some more description of the place, the beat, the bodies, and the lot of it. You’ve got the basis there, and I could almost let you slide with it, but it was just that little bit bare, if that makes sense.

Lol, I’m loving this, and cannot wait for more, at all. ^^


*Hearts* Le Penguin.