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140,561 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
I'm seven through and I'm still interestd. I agree with most of the others, it was a bit confusing, but at least its beginning to come together.
As usual, your writing is superb; I did however, feel that the last installment of this contained rather stiff dialogue (as Mesh pointed out). This section (chapter?) makes amends for that though. Sooner or later I'll find the time for more...
Good job =]
So, basically, because you have about a million and two of these, I'll just be pointing out things that could be improved.
I was confused at first about what was happening - I didn't know if he was alone with the girls and they were explaining what they could do or whatever. It's... weird. It took me a few read-throughs to actually move on and understand it.
Also, this part:
"You punk" doesn't fit there. I couldn't imagine the man saying that.
Good job, keep it up.
I'm so pleased to see things finally coming together! Yes! Connections are made!
I assume he's doing the thing where people go to-may-to, to-mah-to. I'd like it if that were shown somehow. I read it as just tomato, tomato and it was odd, like, why is he saying tomato in the first place?
We really do see Kyle characterized here. He's already an incredibly strong character, but as Clau said, he's becoming like House. That might be good, but it might be bad, because the parts about Jonathon sound like House too...
Colleen
This was the best of all, I agree with Claud! This was more of a calm version of craziness I guess I should say, instead of the major secretive issues you made the matter lawful and also used the idea from your first post (of this story). I can clearly visualize your characters AND their personalities which is marvelous. Great Job!
yay #7!
I had to point this out, because I liked it so much. The fact that you say he mouthed 'an apology' could mean he said sorry or anything, I just like how its vague.He's looking more like House. "You're right but...What are you doing!?" ha ha ha.
Single quote used, rather than a double quote.
This is such a good story. Thats perfect.
Good, good, good! No complaints! In fact, none of what I said about other parts applies here, this is grand. Keep this up, seriously. This was a lot better than the other ones, no weirdness, and I can kind of see things slipping together with the story. But maybe, its supposed to happen that way?
Oh, and I'll say it here since you aren't paying attention in the chat. I just started House Of Leaves. Awesome! Thanks for giving me those suggestions