Young Writers Society

Dr. Laurentz snapped his finger

Don't you usually snap your fingers?

“Yes,” Sarah threw her hands up, “yes I fucking changed all of them. I had no choice—don’t you see that? Jonathon doesn’t deserve what we were going to do him. If anybody does, it’s me.”

I think it should be: "Yes." Sarah threw her hands up. "Yes, I fucking changed all of them.....Jonathon doesn't deserve what we were going to do [to?] him......"

Sarah jumped up from her seat as well, dread welling up like a brick in her stomach.

saying "as well" slows down the action, speed, and drama of the sentence IMO.

This is one of the strongest places where your inability to write scenery is the most annoying

Sarah shrieked as he and the two men turned and walked through what looked like walls. The sound of machines lowering something filled the room. Sarah jumped over the table and saw two walls being lowered over what she had previously thought were walls. She ducked down in time to see they were only very well disguised corridors, but it was too late to run through them.

Very confusing. I have no idea what I am supposed to be picturing. Same with everything else in this....what size is the room, large? Those walls-that-weren't-walls, I can't "see" them.

The room being completely dark and her stumbling around? I don't know what she is stumbling around, and I don't know what the heck is going on, or at least in the sense that I can't "see" what is happening (I suppose this effect goes well with her confusion, but does your reader really deserve this? I was entirely lost)

I suppose I changed my idea of Sarah? Not that much. Perhaps she just is a badly written character, or she bores me. I want to know wtf is going on with her, but I still don't care for her. I only care for her because she means something to Jon. Oh, and it just hit me: Wasn't she in a car accident? How is she not half-dead, or something? Did they heal her/take her to a doctor before all of this? She seems rather healthy. (If there was mention of her getting better, you know all the time lapses of my reading, could be my own fault.)

But still.... It's Ch. Either way I'd be more interested in Jon. Or Kyle. Heck, even the monkey. Sarah bores me.