ChionoVision -67 /P

by Incandescence

  • Novel / Chapter

Published February 2, 2008

In Chionophobia/Prosthesis/Melnikov

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Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Sureal
Review
Sureal wrote a review Review · Feb 5, 2008

Hey. ^_^

Your rendition of an annoying voice in Danielle is very well done. It almost gave me a headache too (in a good way, of course).

Going back to my comments on your last chapter: I think this one would work better as an opening. The mix of sexuality and humour works well to hook the attention, so this may better serve as the first chapter, rather than the second.

User avatar
PenguinAttack
Review
PenguinAttack wrote a review Review · Feb 2, 2008

Incandescence wrote:
"Dr. Graham?" Joanne, the new receptionist, asked. He had insisted she call him "Jon," but she refused to be informal. He liked that about her; she was almost his age, but already had two kids and was the victim of spousal abuse. Sometimes that vulnerability flashed across her face--he assumed the formality was a remnant trace.


- This almost borders on info dump; I think... you’re toeing the line. I can see the connections of kids and spousal abuse but it’s a tenuous hold on whether or not we really need to know it, I think. I’m not sure, and as such merely suggest you look it over.

Incandescence wrote:"It was fine," Jon said, shaking his head. "The usual. Joanne? Could you do me a favor and call Sarah and tell her we're going to Jimmy's tonight around 7."


- Was this actually a question? Or a small order? You’ve not put a question mark, and I have a feels it’s because he’s less asking than telling?

Incandescence wrote:Jonathon looked up at the sound of her unusually chipper voice and noticed that several other things were unusually chipper as well. "Hi, Danielle." Jon motioned to one of the chairs. "Have a seat."


- Euphemisms for the win.

Incandescence wrote:Jonathon's headache pulsed over his right eye. He sighed, "Fine, okay." He put his hands down and was taken aback at how big her breasts were.

"They're so big!" she whined.

Jonathon was suddenly very uncomfortable, and he made himself blink and take another sip of water to collect himself. He looked back up and noticed the two big rashes surrounding each of her breasts, as well as a healing scar line.


- here you repeat “big” three or so times. For me, it’s noticeable and sticks out a little, I would suggest using “large” for the last, at the least.

Incandescence wrote: The aquarium's filtration system started whirring in the corner and tiny air bubbles rose to the surface.


- I don’t know why, but I love this line.


Incandescence wrote:She leaned over to him and slid a piece of paper in the fornt pocket of his jeans. "Just in case you change your mind."


“Fornt” – Front.



- Oh dear, I hope he doesn’t miss his dinner date. :p and a small question, which I may – of course – find the answer to later, but did he remove the slip of paper? We know what’s on it, and we know he does, how could he not, that hussy, it’s indicated that he doesn’t, because you don’t say he does... but I just thought I’d make sure.

I like this, already, and I’m eagerly waiting more. It helps to read the sections immediately after one another, so the more that come the better. I like the description in this one, though... that one line about the fish... not sure why, but I love it.

I’ve pointed out the issues above, and I’m liking the narrative itself, the plot is already interesting. Nice work.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.



Sometimes you don’t need metaphors to feel something breaking
— candyhearts