Young Writers Society

disturbing. . . and fantastic at the same time. Brad, thats you in a nutshell I LOVE THIS. Now to read chapter 2!

Emma wrote:When you said he undid the boys jeans I thought he was going to chop something else off, but that just shows I'm clearly immuture.

I am disturbed. You are sick but I love it. When you said he undid the boys jeans I thought he was going to chop something else off, but that just shows I'm clearly immuture. Ha. Nice work, I shall be reading the rest.

Religiously, I don't agree one bit with what you've written and I'm not sure I'll read the rest, but in this world of political correctness, I'll not hold it against you. That being said, it was a chilling read.

Well, I did start on the prologue; and as I've read this, I ought to be good enough to make some remark. ^_^


It was painfully over-the-top, nearly pornographic in its following minutely the boy's torture. I have to say, on mere opinion, I much prefer your subtlety. I assume it is intended to be - more or less - as is though, meaning bloody and garish.

Its beginning?

It began compellingly, briefly, and immediately involved dialogue. The pacing there was excellent; and though I didn't like the way I saw it going, I was drawn in.

By middle?

You began so cleanly (sans thick description, names or setting) that by the mid-drawing-towards-end I felt a bit vague as to where it all was, in what circumstances. It could almost be a madman and a boy against a bluescreen for all that I can tell. Are they in a monastery? On the road? In the boy's home? (As is, it seems, possibly implied by the victim's wish/thought that he hadn't gone...?)

Even the hint or offhand addition of the torturer setting the saw on a kitchen table; or taking the saltshaker from a cupboard; counter, etc. would give some sense of surroundings.

And by the end...

The dialogue is neat enough (as in clear, well-presented) that I wanted to hear out the exchange, torture, garish, madness and all. But the boy cried a bloody awful lot. And by the end, I rather felt deja vu. 'He's crying again? Or wait, he's weeping now? Isn't it the same thing?' (

he cried harder. "Please."

He began crying once again.

he began crying once more.

The ritual was practiced. The only thing that kept this from being another rehearsal was the screams.

*were the screams. Screams is being modified by was, and since screams is plural it should be were

I'm sure it's good but I couldn't get through it Just can't read that kinda stuff. That one thing jumped out at me

Hello Incan ^_^.

As usual, your writing is excellent.

However, you refer to everyone as 'he', and often switch between which character your talking about. At times, this can be make it kind of confusing.

Example:

Vomit forced its way up his mouth as his body tried to rid itself of the poison.

"No," he commanded, grabbing up a cloth handkerchief and tying it around his mouth. "You will purify your body as God has ordered."

Oh man... I love it!
Controversy is something that fascinates me, and religious controversy even more so!
I don't think it's too gory, I read much worse all the time lol

Yay! This time I can read from the start....

and lightly tipped over the open wound.

water streaming down his face.

Why had chosen to stay home this weekend instead of going with his family.

Oh, and I adore your quote.

Sadly, in fact, it was interesting enough to keep reading. It was like a sick horror movie. There are ways to show without telling. The repitition of God this, God that, God dead, God the Creator, got tedious and redundant~the piece about homosexuality, yeah, definitely cliche. The sick descriptions, over the top, endeavoring for something you didn't achieve.

I have great respect for you as an author, and I encourage you to keep writing it (I'll keep reading it, it was interesting, as i said). But I didn't like it.

All -


Thanks for your thoughts and considerations.

Jig: "random madness"? I guess if you consider religion "madness" (or, perhaps more interestingly, religion "random") then yeah, I agree about that. As far as being cliche, I do agree. Hopefully, though, it was interesting enough to keep reading.


Best and many thanks,
Brad

A very interesting idea. I liked it a lot, though I would hve to agree with "Jiggity" some of it was a little cliched, though still thought provoking.

My suggestion would be to play a little more with the characters. What are their relationships? Where is he? What does the place where he is kiddnapped look like? Etc. etc. (you get the idea)

Also...

Incandescence wrote:"Your God is dead." He snatched up a saltshaker and lightly tipped over the open wound. The boy violently jerked as the first particles hit, water streaming down his face

Very disturbing. Insanely so.

Why had chosen to stay home this weekend instead of going with his family.

OMG Prostheses is amazing! You're right, it's a little more gory than Ch. but it's still wonderful. I felt the pain of the little boy, I mean....OW! He was awake through it as well, *sucks in breath through teeth* Ah, that must have been extremely painful. But more ass kicking! I have a feeling this is going to be another thinking book like Ch. so I'll keep a look out for clues in advance.

Great job, Keep at it!
~Rieda