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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Well, speakerskat , this is a great piece of work. I like how a lot of people can probably connect with the words you are speaking . We live in a society where self-harm is a common attribute in the lives of humans.
It really stands out to me.
I like the repetition you use with the lines " Why'd you leave me so hollow ," It makes it more "song" like
I don't like the way the rhyming is in this though . ( it might have been accidental ) Look at the last word of every second line : asleep , surprise , see , and mean. All of these words rhyme somewhat . Surprise though , obviously ruins the rhyme scheme. You could maybe replace surprise with epiphany . Other than that though , it is a great piece of work
Well to begin with all I have to say is WOW, i could really relate to this and I really like it the fact that the emotions can really show and i could really feel it through out reading it i also like how the lines go fluently and is also very deep and touching. other than that i really liked it. I hope to read more of your work
Aw thanks, it took a lot of editing and a little help from my flute for the tune but it was worth it XD
Thanks to everyone else as well, your comments have greatly improved all my writing. I hope to write happier stuff in the future!
~Kat
Wow, I really love how this poem/song evokes feeling. Keep up the good work! I was singing this out loud, and my little sister came up to me and said it was really good! A seven year old little girl can't go wrong!
aww thanks
Hi there speakerskat! I do rather like the simplicity of this. I can pair it well with a tune in my head. There could be more depth and a stronger song-structure (ie a chorus and verses).
Firstly, I think you meant hollow. Hallowed is something revered or sacred (like the Lord's Prayer "Hallowed be thy name").
Secondly, the short lines sometimes have two syllables. I'd suggest making them all three syllables. One example is "I can't breathe" instead of "Can't breathe".
Overall, while this could go deeper into a story, it works with a simple tune. I'd clean it up a bit, though. Keep writing!
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