Sleepy

Hi. This is kman134. i'm here to review your work.

This was very beautiful. its hard to find a poem about someone sleeping, especially one with so much emotion.

the pain and dismay the boyfriend was going through was spot on. the way the girlfriend feels so heartbroken at how her loved one was going through. this was all brilliant.

the content was pretty good with the symbolisms and metaphors that crawled through every stanzas.

my favorite part:

"Pull all the pain

into my own heart

and out of his

.

I squeeze his hand

ever so slightly

and whisper

.

"I love you.""

This was very heartbreaking as the somber feeling came pouring out when the loved one finally bid farewell. it was so moving that i was about to cry.

This was a pretty good poem. i hope to read more like this.

Love it!!

Hi, J here for a review.
I like this content, I have never seen a poem about someone sleeping, it was a great poem with a lot of emotion.
Great job expressing the pain that the boyfriend feels, I can tell he is stressed and sad. I can also see how much you want to help him. As much as I want to say this was the best poem ever, there was a few mistakes.
I your very first three lines you need to have some punctuation to accentuate the settings, your first stanza needs to be strong and punctuation would help with that. Also, I am really surprised I caught this (because I am the worst speller in the history of the world) but occasional is misspelled.
You do not capitalize the first word in every one of your lines and I think that really helps this poems flow.
"my tiny hand has
his clasped firmly
yet, I frown
You could add a comma after my to create a pause to help with the flow.
"Pull all the pain
into my own heart
and out of his"
Capitalize His because you are speaking about a person.
I think that's it, so just a few minor edits to help with flow and grammar. Over this was a wonderful throw-together poem and I can't wait to see what else you will write.

Good Job and Keep Writing!!

Legacy here for a review.

I love the content. No one really writes about their significant other sleeping, although it is such a nice experience.

Now on to some very minor edits I would make.


"My eyes glance over him

sound asleep with

an ocassional snore"

This is a whole sentence that has no punctuation, and you use punctuation elsewhere in the poem. Also occasional is misspelled so that is a quick fix.


"I know my eyes

are probably filled

with love and tears"

Again, this is a whole sentence that has no punctuation. A quick fix.


"my tiny hand has

his clasped firmly

yet, I frown"

This looks like a whole sentence, and the my has no punctuation (which would be helpful).


"I want to take

all that pain

that lines his brow

.

Pull all the pain

into my own heart

and out of his"

Between brow and pull, you need a semicolon since you have a sentence that can stand on it's own but you have it written as if you are continuing off of that sentence.


"
.

"I love you."


Overall this is a nice poem. Legacy.