From the first time I saw you
to the last time I've seen you,
you've been on my mind and in my heart,
never leaving
.
From the first time I talked to you
to the last time I've talked to you,
your words have been in my mind and in my heart,
never quieting
.
From the first time I cuddled with you
to the last time I've cuddled with you,
your warmth has been in my mind and in my heart,
never cooling
.
From the first time I fell asleep arround you
to the last time I've fallen asleep arround you,
your image has been in my mind and in my heart,
never fading in my dreams about you
.
From the first time we fought
to the last time we've fought,
that awful feeling has been in my mind and in my heart,
always there when we fight
and getting worse every time
.
From the first time we made up
to the last time we've made up,
that feeling of love and happiness
has been in my mind and in my heart,
never leaving the confines of my body, even when we fight
.
I did not write this so I do not have the ability to edit it. It is not how I would have written it but I still wanted to share it with you all.
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139,521 Literary Works • 672,596 Reviews
This is a great poem in the works! I feel like the loss of punctuation and grammar actually add to the poem and its tone of longing, but then again, thats my opinion and I know some people are iffy about some styles of freeform poetry. The use of the periods are pretty interesting, I take it as having a break between the next paragraph but it also adds to the aesthetic of the poem. It's a pretty simple poem, but that doesn't mean it's a bad one. Sometimes the flow of it is a bit off, like the last line:
never leaving the confines of my body, even when we fight
I think it is too long and should be shortened.
Overall, I think the word choices could be more enhanced to give it an entirely new dimension but the bones of it are great. Keep up the good work!
This is a great poem in the works! I feel like the loss of punctuation and grammar actually add to the poem and its tone of longing, but then again, thats my opinion and I know some people are iffy about some styles of freeform poetry. The use of the periods are pretty interesting, I take it as having a break between the next paragraph but it also adds to the aesthetic of the poem. It's a pretty simple poem, but that doesn't mean it's a bad one. Sometimes the flow of it is a bit off, like the last line:
never leaving the confines of my body, even when we fight
I think it is too long and should be shortened.
Overall, I think the word choices could be more enhanced to give it an entirely new dimension but the bones of it are great. Keep up the good work!
Although I know this poem is not written by you, I have taken a great liking to this specific poem. It takes a very sad yet beautiful story of love, don't you think? It takes you through a journey of love to fights to loneliness and regret. It really is a great display of what an adventure love is. I also enjoyed the way that the stanzas were set up; that's very intriguing, too. There's also some nice parallelism in the first two lines of every stanza, where it describes what happened and what the couple did about it. There isn't the greatest description, but the words chosen fit the poem in such a perfectly perfect way that does not need more description. Also, in the last two lines of every stanza, it gives a nice ironic and opposite twist to the adjectives and words used.
Thank you for sharing this poem with us. Have a wonderful day!