z

Young Writers Society


12+

Leonardo Rosado

by speakerskat


Sometimes life throws

an unexpected bone.

.

Growing up with

the drug cartels 

of Mexico

far from

any hope

any real kindness.

.

Yet one boys' mother

snuck him across.

He stands before me,

a husband

a father

a doctor.

.

Countless lives saved,

countless lives given hope.

.

Sometimes

miracles happen

in this crazy thing

we call life.

*this isn't a real person it was actually based on a picture of young Stalin (I didn't know who it was, we had to write a poem about the man in the picture), fun fact*

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80 Reviews

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Reviews: 80

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Thu May 25, 2017 8:19 pm
Jurelixranoanad wrote a review...



Hi, J here for a review.
This was a very real poem about a very real subject matter and that's what makes it so great. You talk about a young boy who gets out of there before things get bad for him and it's so emotional. It also poses a lot of unanswered questions like "What would have happend to him if he didn't get out?" and "How what happend to his mother?". Actually your entire poem poses questions I can think of at least ten that needs to be answered "Who is the person that he stands before?" "How did he save countless lives?". Like I said this is a wonderful poem with a great background story, but there needs to be more.

Good Job and Keep Writing!!




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760 Reviews

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Tue May 23, 2017 1:08 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey, I'm still getting used to poetry reviews so apologies for how unstructured this review is:

I'm not really that keen on your final stanza. It seems a bit generic, I think. I think it would be more powerful if you talked about miracles in the context of Mexican drug cartels. There's real emotional potential in this poem, given that it's about a man who escapes a horrible, terrifying life that he's destined for otherwise. I'm thinking along the lines of:

Sometimes

miracles happen

in this deadly hell

they call a life.


Your two stanzas before that are good (no idea why I'm doing this in reverse order, told you it'd be unstructured). I like the way that the doctor gives people life, and the fact that they boy was able to become a doctor has given lots of other people hope.

I think your second stanza could also do with being more specific. Some imagery here might be particularly powerful. See what you could think of to convey the feeling of being trapped, of constantly feeling like you're on a knife edge. Something to get across the horror of being trapped in a cartel, not just telling me that this is the situation you're making a statement about. Make me feel it.

Your first stanza is also a little generic, but I think that's fine here since it's the opening statement. As long as the rest of the poem builds up in emotion, I think it maybe even makes sense to start that universally, so that people who have no idea what cartels are like can get invested (most people understand in one way or another the feeling of life being unexpectedly good).

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)





you should no this
— Hijinks