Growing Up

Kazey here for a review!

I really love this poem. I love the fact that it's an attempt at a rondeau, it's something I don't see very often at all, so well done for creating something fairly unique.

There are, however, a few problems with it being a rondeau. Firstly, a rondeau should have 10 or 13 lines. If I'm not mistaken, this is 15 lines long. Secondly, a rondeau should have two rhymes within it, and this poem was regretfully rhyme-free. It's a shame because I feel like a little rhyme would really move this poem along.

Second, I feel like there could be a little more imagery within the poem. I know that it's a rondeau and that I literally just told you a rondeau should be pretty short, but don't let your restrictions restrict you, if you get what I'm saying. Take your poem by the reigns and control it, instead of it controlling you.

However, this was a really great poem, and the shock ending was what really brought the whole thing together, so well done!

~Kazey

Hey there, this is Kman134, here, with a review.

Growing up is a hard thing. You start off optimistic and full of hope for the world. That is, until the world crushes you will all of its' weight and hardships. The symbolisms and metaphors were well written and portrayed perfectly in the poem.

"But, perhaps that was just a fairy tale

Like when you offered me your hand

Down on one knee with bright red roses

I grew up."

Losing a loved one is painful, especially all of the memories you've made together. It would seem like a fairy tale until you realize...it wasn't and you grow up, and then move on with your life.

Anyways, this was pretty well written and well-versed, and i hope to read more of your work.

Hi there, thought I'd leave a short review for you.

It's a bit disorganized and I"ll sort of hit the points that I thought of after reading your piece.

Grammar

The punctuation isn't distracting, so you did good there. And the capitalization is also nicely consistent.

The only spelling issues I saw, were "reins" is spelled incorrectly in the first stanza. And I think "chevy" should be capitalized in the last.

Content

I think you've got a good start here, although it started out a bit cliche for me (ie. red roses, "life by the reins", fairy tale childhood) this isn't bad, it's just what I was noticing.

The ending sort of leaves me stunned and thinking, "what happened?".

I like the shock factor at the end, it's sudden, but it gives this poem some depth and uniqueness. I'd love to see you expand upon that story and and see where it goes.

Flow

I think in the very first line using the word "rather" sounds sort of European and for me reads a bit stilted - could just be regional though.

I also thought that using the word "I" so many times in the first stanza and then "A" so much in the last stanza was kind of odd. But that may have been an intentional point that I just missed.

Overall I thought flow wasn't quite lyrical, but it wasn't bad or awkward to read in anyway.

Word Choice

I think this poem could also benefit from a little more figurative language and imagery; especially because it's so short. (I love short poems and long poems, but either way a good helping of colorful language can never go wrong).


Good luck in revisions and writing! Nice piece overall.

~alli-y

Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
I'll start with saying that I really liked this poem. It was, in the simplest description, poetic. I liked your last stanza in particular, you did a good job with the show and not tell thing, it was descriptive and beautiful.
I have just a few suggestions/corrections for this poem. The only grammatical thing I would suggest adjusting would be in the first line of the last stanza. You say, "Optimism, was..." I recommend taking out the comma, I feel it makes an unnecessary pause, and by removing it you could make the line flow better.
I also had a question about the first stanza. The way you wrote this, it makes it seem as if the person knew their love even when they were little. I'm not sure if that's what you intended, but it confused me a little.
Finally, I would recommend adding that phrase "I grew up" to the first stanza. I liked how you had the repetition in the last two stanzas, and I feel like if you added it to the first the uniformity would add a little something to the poem. This is just my suggestion, it's fine as is, but adding this might help drive home that growing up.
Anyways, I liked this poem! Good job, and good luck in the future!
herbgirl

Hey there. I'm Jonathan, here to review your poem!

This is honestly really great. I love the tone you've made here, the narrative voice that pulls us through the story of losing your innocence. My favorite section is definitely the last three lines-- "a chevy, too fast on a freeway / a wife became a widow and / I grew up." The cadence you set there is great and really rhythmic. Great job.

I just have three things I want to mention in this review. Keep in mind you can take or leave any of my suggestions!

Firstly, just two nitpicks: spelling/grammar. Reigns in the second line should be reins, and (unless you had a specific reason for doing this) there should be no comma after "optimism". Other than that, you're totally fine. I only mention these because it's a fairly short (and sweet) poem, so these were pretty noticeable.

Secondly, I'd love to hear more in the second stanza. You talk about fairy tales, and I see the potential for the extension of that idea-- a new image or a thought. It left the line feeling a bit flat when I didn't hear that extension. You also have the opportunity to use this as a connection to your former childhood innocence. For example, include something about how you would watch Disney princess movies or played with princess dolls. I think that connecting now and before could be really engaging while continuing on the theme you've set in the rest of the poem. I'm also a tiny bit confused by the last line. I think you should either include "I grew up" as a refrain at the end of all three stanzas or just use it in the last one.

Thirdly and finally! I'd love to see one or two flashes of an image for that "chevy, too fast on a freeway". You don't at all need to use a whole lot of description (in fact, I'd prefer if you didn't), but I really am seeing a lot of potential in this line. Just a suggestion! Keep writing.

Jonathan