Mary, Do You Notice?

Hey there! Eli here for a small chit chat review of your wonderful piece!

From the very beginning, the piece sounds like a story of admiration of a beautiful girl who lacks the understanding of her own charms and skills that you seem to be seeing better than anyone else.

It seems like the story surrounds two people, you and the charming lady in a fulfilled classroom full of unknown people who do not sound important at the moment anyways. You give us a good description of the lady, or let's call her a girl instead, because it seems to more teens love like than anything above the twenties if we talk about age. The flow is good and it has no useless rhyming because the rhymes would not suit your piece in my opinion. I see a possible pattern in your work and each part is going along with it. You have a start with her if we do not include the last. You end with a line that is actually only one short question with no answer at all.

It is good that you do not tell us but also show us the story in different aspects in each section of this work. You talk about her face, expression, skills and possibilities. Not only one plain description of her own self.

Her hand effortlessly on the canvas,

Breathing life into water colors ,

Her pencil sketching an outline,

That'll become a masterpiece.

Does she notice?

My only problem when it comes to construction is actually in this part. I think that you lack any kind of verb in the first line. I can tell so so what you are trying to show the reader but it needs to be certainly shown. Was is her hand doing so effortlessly? Just standing there?

Keep on writing!

Hello speakerskat,

I must confess: often longer poems here on YWS lose me after the second stanza, but this piece was so beautifully written, I actually read it a couple times. It was very relatable; I think we have all been in the narrator's shoes at some point or other, and your phrasing is so graceful.


"She stares at the math problem,

Her mouth scrunching and twisting,

That cute little quirk she has,

When she is deep in thought.

Does she notice?

.

Her hand effortlessly on the canvas,


This felt like it needed a verb, an action of some sort. The hand 'effortlessly on' the canvas read just a tad awkwardly to me. Does her hand hover over the canvas? Does it scrawl? Does it float? Etc.


"Breathing life into water colors ,

Her pencil sketching an outline,

That'll become a masterpiece.

Does she notice?

.

Mary's gentle voice floating, dancing,

Lightening the classroom with her melody,

Softly, surly, slowly, bringing happiness,

I like the contrast between softly and surly here. Surly generally has a negative conotation, but it gives Mary some dimension.


"No one can deny her summery sweetness.

Does she notice?

.

I stare intently at my math problem,

My mouth drawn in a frown ,

She explains the solution,

But I am lost in her eyes.

Mary, do you notice?

.
I love that you begin to address Mary directly here.


"My hand strains across the canvas,

Water colors bleeding into each-other,

Clumsily scribbling lines, but I keep trying,

She provides endless inspiration.

Mary, do you notice?

.

My awkward voice squawking, squeaking

Shattering the classroom with my discord

Sloppy, silly, stupidly, becoming a nuisance

I fade into the back, everyone forgets.


Does the narrator fade into the back, or the background?


"Mary, do you notice me?

."

Overall, I thought this was a beautifully written piece. Hope to see more of your work here on YWS, and if I can answer any questions feel free to shoot me a PM!

Write On,
mav


Mavis Knightley
www.mavisknightley.weebly.com

Hi Speakerskat

This was such a beautiful poem! I loved reading it - it flowed and the structure was simple - something which helps focus the reader on the content of the poem.

Your use of language was really good, the alliteration in "summery sweetness" and the adjectives you used to describe this "Mary". The lines are simple and powerful; as if a child was recounting this story; which only made the message more poignant.

The repetition of "Does she notice?" - which changes to "Mary, do you notice?" was clever, as the actual content of your verses changed from admiration of Mary's talents to the embarrassment of the lack of your own. The last line was really good - it ended the poem well and really reinforced what you were trying to convey. I liked how you stressed the "me" - when reading it that definitely worked really well.

The contrast between the your verses (the first 3 vs the last 3) worked really well; as you showed a deep admiration for Mary through euphemisms - which you contrasted to the verses about you very well. If you wanted to really emphasize the contrast - you could have formatted the poem differently. If you had put your first and 4th verse one after the other, so that the verses about the "Maths problem" were together, and the same for the other verses.

I also loved the meaning of the poem. The narrator's yearning for Mary's attention is clear - and your poem romanticizes having a "crush" I guess - which was really clever.

So overall - amazing poem. I loved reading it, and I hope you write others like this. Thank you!
Tick Tock