I trace my fingers across tiles,
a thin layer of dust appears,
I look at it and frown,
disappointed and intrigued.
.
There always seems to be a fine layer,
coating these square tiles,
because many lives pass through these halls,
and I am but one of those lives.
.
If dust could tell stories,
like old worn pages ,
I believe these little particles,
would move the soul.
.
Stories far more heart breaking,
stories far more heart warming,
than any tale that has graced any page,
or ever will.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hi there! Just a few thoughts for review day!
So I really enjoyed the premise of this piece, the connection of dust to the world and memories is really intriguing.
The third stanza is my absolute favorite here. The two lines "I believe these little particles, would move the soul" is perfection - the juxtaposition of something as small as dust to something as significant as a soul is great.
The fourth stanza loses me a little bit. I don't love the repetition of stories = heartbreaking/heartwarming because it doesn't seem to add much, and we lose the connection to dust that we have in the other 3 stanzas. The ending line is also a bit short compared to the rest. I think I would maybe move stanza 3 to the end or take out/change stanza 4.
Honestly I don't think you have to spell out the connection of dust to stories, because a perceptive reader will get that without you saying that.
Overall, this was a sweet poem and I enjoyed reading it!
Best,
~alliyah
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You have a very pretty poem here. It's a nice thought, and it's one that I'm glad you shared.
I would consider giving the reader more a setting. Where exactly are these tiles located? An old school? Hospital? Library? A better sense of place will let the reader see what you and the narrator are seeing.
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Nitpicks:
The line "disappointed and intrigued," while an interesting mix of emotions, is one that I'm not sure makes much sense.
In the second stanza, I don't think you need to say it was a "fine" layer, as you already said "thin" in the previous stanza.
"like old worn pages ," has some extra spaces after "like" and "pages".
Heartbreaking and heartwarming are both single words.
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Once again, you have a nice poem here. It just needs more detail.
What an interesting concept! I'm sure that dust could have many interesting things to tell, perhaps yes, even more than books. Dust remembers times long gone by and, unlike paper, it won't burn.
I wish that this poem could be a little longer, though. You could explore the concept a bit and perhaps give an example of what dust could have witnessed; I'd love to read more!