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139,365 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hey there, Kat,
I'm not sure about this-- do you mean to say hallow, as in sacred/highly valued, or hollow, as in empty, high and dry? Nevertheless, I like this poem. I usually am the first to jump on people about how repetition is an awful literary device when not done properly, but here, you've managed to use it perfectly and incorporate internal rhyme that you carried through to the end.
The first three stanza are your strongest, without a doubt. The last one feels like an afterthought, an addition, not as thought-out as the prior ones. It works, no doubt, but it feels like we're missing some thing here because the narrator goes from examining her hurts and wounds to childish simplicity-- so mean!
Overall, I thank you for a pleasant read. Great use of structure here and two thumbs up.
Happy review day,
June
hey June, I wrote a revision to this in which I changed hallow to hollow , I apologize for that. And thanks for the review
Hi there, skat! Here to review your song
Okay, so I really thought that your main idea was pretty cool. I think a particular strong point this was your use of imagery. I thought it was definitely strong and powerful- especially in the last stanza. It's the sort of thing that stay with you after reading it, and makes you think,
My main issue with this is the repetition. Whether they be song lyrics or a poem, it just gets a bit boring. Repetition is definitely a good technique to use in when writing in verse, however I really don't think it was needed here. As jordin said, we kind of get the picture after the first stanza.
And if you are going to use repetition, maybe there could be a stanza that's different. Something that stands out from the other verses. Maybe you could put your main message in that, and then the rest of the verses/stanzas are explaining that.
Secondly, rather than just telling it how it is, try and use some techniques like metaphors and similes. I think that that would really make this piece interesting, stand out, and just make it your won really. Right now it's good, but it would be really nice to hear some weird/unique sort of associations. It could even be something more personal.
Generally, this was a good poem/lyrics. It was quite easy to read, and something that I should have mentioned earlier is that it flows really well, so well done! I guess the next step is to try and add more imagery. I hope this review helped, PM me with questions or if you'd like another review.
Keep Writing!
-Arc x
Hello Speak. Jordin/Jon here with a review for you. I hope it helps you out some.
Okay 'Baby' I do not think is the correct wording for this line, this line may sound batter as 'Why did you leave me hallow,' I am not quite sure what you are trying to get across to the reader.Why do you have these words here? you made it sound like you just said two different words that had no match whatsoever.
Okay this poem was a little strange you repeated that line to much I could get the picture the first paragraph.
And I have not the slightest idea Why you called it Hallow you could have called it 'Why did you leave me?' that might be a better name.
Good job overall this was really great although strange.
Keep writing and good luck.
~Jon~
Hey, this is black water here for a review!
First off, I'd say that the only good things in this piece of poetry are the usage of words(which are yet loosely bound together) and spacing.
In this first line,
"Why’d you leave me hallow baby,"
I think you meant hollow instead of hallow. And a question mark at the end of the sentence would do the poem some good.
"Half asleep,"
I believe that this piece of poetry holds a tragic theme and I don't get how "half asleep" fits that criteria.
"Took the knife and went straight through me,"
I think you'd want to add a pronoun to specify what 'went through you'.
This poetry is clipped short but holds a lot of intense emotions to be ended so early. I feel that if you had written longer phrases and added a few more verses, you could have presented a better poem.
But writing is something you can learn everyday and you seem to have the basic requirements. Just keep writing and know that you have the potential to be better.