Young Writers Society

Hai speakerskat,
OK, first of all I LOVE IT!!! This kind of reminds me The Fault in our Stars in a way so that makes me happy!!! I think that you jump from one sentence to another way too quickly or so one topic to another. Poems are supposed to be like a simple beat. Dun...dun...dun. I think that you are good at writing short poems because I can tell that u create a lot of depth in each sentence. The only problem is I feel that the poem altogether is very dense. To add a bit more volume maybe create emotion? There is already tons of character all you need is life. The one thing that I love personally is it's so relatable and it's a very funny poem. I feel like this poem maybe shows who you are as a part of the world? Great work...Your very talented! Keep Writing!

Hello, Fea here to review!

So first off: I have hardly ever reviewed poetry, so it might not be a great review; but practice makes perfect, right?

I really like the way you wrote this as a sort of line of thought of the main character, who is obviously crazy. You portray them really well.

"My mind is,

an ankle war?"

I feel like the flow here is a bit funky and broken up. Not being a poet, not sure how you could fix that, but having the break after 'is' just doesn't feel right to me.

The ending was great; "I've been dead, For 20 years." Just...wonderful. Really brings everything home.

Nice job,

Fea

THAT was a great poem! And the ending was really surprising and kind of ambiguous.

This was powerful, speakerskat. You paint so much with so little visual imagery. Very intriguing style.

Just a few gentle suggestions:


"His hand clasps over mine,

I might take out 'over' here. It feels just a little awkward.


""It's going to be alright."

I can't see.

I can hardly hear.

My mind is,

an ankle war?

What is that?

I have to admit, I wasn't sure what an 'ankle war' implied. But this may have been your intention?


"Focus, you must

Focus.

"Marida, look at me"

Look at me?

That's funny.

How can I look at me?

I giggle a little.

I speak,

"I think shrew is an ice."

Shrew, that's a funny word.

But then again, aren't they all?

"Marida! Make sense!

I can't lose you!"

Aren't all words,

Kind of funny?

Like lose, you, love...

marriage...

I was to be wed.

Wed sounds like web.

"Please, my Love..."

Did you mean to capitalize 'Love' here?


"Love is funny too.

I feel a cool ring,

right there next to my pinky.

Great description here.


"All words are funny,

Love, the funniest.

But what does it matter?

I've been dead,

For 20 years.

"I'll always love you."


I like the way you end. It left me wondering which of your characters said this; it could have been either of them.

Your informality lends a sweetness to your speaker, and innocence. I get the impression that she was once sane, and twenty years later she developed a mental illness?

Over all, this was excellent! Hope to see more of your work here on YWS, and if I can answer any questions feel free to shoot me a PM.

Write On,
mav


Mavis Knightley
www.mavisknightley.weebly.com