Luminous pale light
Cascades upon sleeping towns,
Guardian of dreams.
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139,867 Literary Works • 672,779 Reviews
This is Kaos here for a quick review!
So haikus generally are based off nature and I think that this is something interesting to base it off of. I really enjoyed the imagery in the second line, but the execution of this didn't really work for me. There wasn't really any emotional weight behind the last line and I think that's the biggest problem for me. The first two are good in describing, but the third one feels kind of out of place with where it's coming from. I think that switching up the punctuation is something else that you could do, but that's the biggest critique I have for this. Better execution, better flow, and this will be even better than before.
I hope I helped and have a great day!
The thing I look forward to the most is looking at the moon and stars twinkling above. I think you did a wonderful job with this subject. I like how you describe the moon to be "luminous". That really exemplifies how bright the moon really is. I don't know what else to say but keep up the good work.
The thing I look forward to the most is looking at the moon and stars twinkling above. I think you did a wonderful job with this subject.
hello speakerskat
first of all
i love your profile image !
about your poem
very short but it's a haiku so a short poem
it's a beautiful subject
the moon
there's not a more beautiful subject than the moon
good job
Hi there, speakerskat!
I love haikus. (Haiku? Haiki?) They're just so beautiful, so I was excited to read this one. And I did read while counting the syllables with my fingers, so you pass the haiku test
I guess the first obvious thing is to make sure you get the punctuation fixed. It goes without saying, but it's especially off-putting in a haiku where it really stands out. So just remove the spaces before the comma and the full stop.
I do like the imagery here, especially "sleeping towns". I'm not thoroughly moved, though, and I think it may be because most of the words in this are pretty long so they don't quite have time to really sink in. I don't mean that you should use a lot of prepositions or anything like that, but at least some of the descriptive words could be shorter, of course bearing in mind the syllable structure.
But other than that, I thought it was beautiful, and what could be a prettier subject than the moon
Demeter
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