They were such lovely memories
Guiding me through life
Now those dreams are nightmares
Cutting like a knife.
`
Their joy was my salvation
Drying every tear
These melodies of the past
Becoming tunes of fear.
`
Each thought forms a vacuum
Suffocating my mind
Choking me with things I cherished
Till’ nothings left to find.
`
At last when every drop of warmth
Escapes my lifeless corpse
I hope you'll still be happy
As my coffin warps.
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139,359 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
So, I found an adorable rhyme at the very beginning again, and I am really stunned. I think I start to love and adore the way you write and your style. Each of them is rhymed if you read them in the right calm pace. Such a beautiful and sad poetry about the 'happiness'.
Now, I will check the poetry and edit it, if needed. It is really emotional in the end, and maybe the last spanza is my favouritr one.
Editing Zone
They were such lovely memories,
guiding me through life.
Now those dreams are nightmares,
cutting like a knife.
`
Their joy was my salvation,
drying every tear.
These melodies of the past,
becoming tunes of fear.
`
Each thought forms a vacuum,
suffocating my mind.
Choking me with things I cherished.
Till’ nothings left to find.
`
At last when every drop of warmth,
escapes my lifeless corpse.
I hope you'll still be happy,
as my coffin warps.
Hey! Cello here!
I always love your poem so I was excited to see this.
This had a really creative story in it and all the rhymes rolled smoothly and read over comfortably.
The last stanza was a bit off though.
The last line need maybe two more syllables. 'As my coffin sits and warps'? I don't know, that was just a suggestion. I'm sure you'll come up with something better. 'Rots and warps'? No, I'm just going to stop trying. Even out the syllables though, that's all I'm saying.
Hey! So I see you're using the old 'put minor punctuation to separate the stanzas' trick. I've used that quite a bit too. There's a command to properly do the trick but it's never worked for me. Not sure if you have this same problem but if you want a clean line, simply put five spaces or so where that extra comma is. (That's what works for me at least)
Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello
My computer and iPhone don't accept space inbetween lines so I have to use the punctuation.
I really like this poem. It had really good imagery in it, and it started and ended in a strong way. Sometimes poems end with boring or cliche lines, but I think you did a good job of keeping it original and powerful. I felt like the comparisons in each line were subtle enough that it didn't seem like it was repeating the same structure over and over, but you still noticed them. The one thing I would change, though, would be the rhyming. I felt like at some lines, having it rhyme took away from the emotions of this poem. You don't have to rhyme every single stanza, so that could give you some room to elaborate on the theme and message. Another thing I noticed was the word choice. I think you could have put in better words to make the poem seem even more sad of realistic.
This was a pretty quick review because there wasn't very much to improve on. I really enjoyed reading this!
Thank you !
You're welcome!
Hello there, gonna leave you with a brief review!
So, I really like this poem. The first stanza/part of any poem is important, as it can either draw your readers in and make them want more, or it can completely make the reader lose interest. Your first stanza was, well... awesome xD It was so well worded and started this poem off very well. I must say, the ending drew emotion from me. Even though I was expecting the poem to turn in this direction, it was still a bit of a shock of empathy. I have nothing to suggest. I, personally, think you did a wonderful job on this poem. I'll be sure to check ot more of your work, as I think you're very talented ^~^
Hello there, gonna leave you with a brief review!
So, I really like this poem. The first stanza/part of any poem is important, as it can either draw your readers in and make them want more, or it can completely make the reader lose interest. Your first stanza was, well... awesome xD It was so well worded and started this poem off very well. I must say, the ending drew emotion from me. Even though I was expecting the poem to turn in this direction, it was still a bit of a shock of empathy. I have nothing to suggest. I, personally, think you did a wonderful job on this poem. I'll be sure to check ot more of your work, as I think you're very talented ^~^
Thanks that means a lot to me
but please delete your extra review
I liked the rhyming scheme, and keeping it to four lines per stanza does serve its merit here too. Excellently placed metaphors throughout as well!
Grammatically perhaps in the third stanza's last line, * nothing's * instead of * nothings * should probably me more appropriate.
Apart from that, surely the poem could be expanded upon. There must absolutely be more 'ironical' and 'metaphorical' avenues that could be explored. The distancing of the 'someone' here from happiness can be shown in several more ways I reckon. In the end though, it comes down to what you, the poet, decide!
All in all, a very, if I may say, 'pleasant' read; a really well rounded poem! Looking forward to reading more from you!
You need to re-word a lot of your comment XD but thanks
I was up late into the night typing this; my first review, bwahahaha!
But yeah, you're welcome. :p