Innocence

Hello,hello.
This may be not really helpful, I am sorry for that.
But I can not pass a great work.
Such an annoying jerk I am, but what to do.

I know that the style in which you write is our own choice and we can change that, but anyways, this work has a very good grammar and punctuation. I think the only problem is the capitalization. I do not know, if someone had already said it, because I did not scroll down to look the reviews of the others. I will double read this and see if there is something that can be called a mistake, with the capitalization left aside, of course.


You have the innocence of a child,
your crimes are no big deal,
one straight look into your eyes,
and that person's heart steal.

(For the last line, I understand what you mean, I think.
I do not want to break down the rhyme, so I will not change it.
'that person's heart is stolen' or something like that?)



You have an unrealistic sense of optimism,
yet you hate everything I do,
because I am the only one,
who can see staright through to you.

You weave a little web,
complex and intertwined,
with nothing more than innocence,
inside your perfect mind.

Everyone thinks you wrong,
no one would ever guess,
what you really say and really do,
is sweeter than the rest.

I just adore this rhyme!
I may sound weird, but this is the truth.

Just a few things:

Grammar:
"You have an unrealistic sense of optmisim"
It's spelled optimism.
"Everyone thinks you wrong,"
Should be your.

Flow:
So you had a pretty steady ryhme scheme going there until that last stanza. Then, it went completely out the window. Also the line:
"What you really say and really do,"
has really in there twice. Not a necessary word at all, and yet here it's used twice. Just drop it altogether. It trips up the reader. I think I had to read it three times to move past it.

Content:
I think you touched on imagery, but I think there is room for more here. Show more than you tell. It's a relief not to be a love poem about the guy friend, as most of these are.

Keep working with it, and keep writing.
~Kay

Awwwwwwwwwww!!!!! That was so cute! I loved it keep wrighting!! I have a best guy friend like that!! Its like no one understands how it feels to have a best guy friend that you can share everything with!! Deffinitly keep wrighting and i liked the rhyming words! props on that!!! Inbox me if you keep wrighting!!

Soooooooooo sweeeeeeeeet!!!!! I loved reading it!! My favorite so far, it was very nice . It flowed great and had a fantastic rhyme scheme.

You weave a little web,
Complex and intertwined,
With nothing more then innocence,
Inside your perfect mind.


This was my favorite stanza. It was like an unsaid metaphor between the person and a spider it was very personal and sweet.




~MindBlown

Lool, I just realized this was yours. I still love it though. It's so deep. But in a good way.

I love this! It displays truth, hurt, and optimism. This is amazing, it actually spoke about everything I was just feeling. The similes personified human feelings to create a materialistic vibe. Thank you for sharing your creativity. *^*