Tears are warm
When they fall from his eyes
On to a cold hard surface
`
Expressing pain no one else can feel
But if they could
He wouldn’t want them to know
`
This torrent of emotions
Which leads to nothingness
A hollow, grating numbness.
`
Tears are warm
They carry dreams and wishes
That had been submerged
`
In a pool of sorrow hidden
With a strained laugh
Beneath a phony little grin
`
But too much becomes a deluge
Water gushing over
Spiraling out of control.
`
Tears are warm
Because they are fragments
Of his very heart and soul
`
Decimated and devastated
Crushed by those who hurt him
Forever stolen by the ones he loved
`
His tears remain imbedded in his mind
A memory of a tragedy of calamity
The story of his life.
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139,568 Literary Works • 672,610 Reviews
Hi.
So, this is a great poem. I didn't have very many problems with it, and the things that did stick out to me were minor issues.
1.
'Cold hard' seems to interrupt the beautiful flow that you have going on in the first stanza. Maybe try to use only one of the words, because even though 'cold, hard surface' would work, the comma wouldn't do much to help the flow going. Also, just putting this out there, 'on to' should be fused together.
Perhaps just 'onto a cold surface,' or 'onto a hard surface'.
2.
I love how this all works together, but I feel like there should be some kind of punctuation after 'deluge', so you can prevent that one problem from ruining the whole line.
All in all, you did great. You vocabulary was beautiful, and I adore your style of writing.
That's all for now, yo
Hello friend! Tigerlilly here to review on this fine review day!
I really love this poem! I really enjoy the vocabulary you used in it, and the way it flows well without needing rhyme. I also like the repetition you use when you say "Tears are warm" because it ingrains it into the readers brain and helps get across the message.
One thing that I would personally like to see changed (and remember, this is all me) is to show another way that tears are warm. You show a lot of negative, but what if you could also show a positive side to contrast it? The tears of joy? The beauty of crying? You don't have to do this, though I just thought it would be interesting.
Anyways, nice to read another one of your fabulous poems! Have an awesome day and keep writing!
A good bit of poetry you have! But don't think I won't have nothing to nitpick on~
Seeing as you used a comma to separate words later in the poem, it needs to be done here as well. "On a cold, hard surface."
You used two words that meant basically the same thing in one sentence. Watch out for that.
--That's all for my nitpicks--
I love the emotion and devastation of this poem. I'm a sucker for a lot of emotion, and you presented that well here.
I'm sorry I didn't have much to comment on, but I really like this poem!
~Gladdy