Hello!
I had a look at a few of the poems and I chose this one because I think it's better than most of your others and is definitely the direction you should go in! I'll give some specifics first as I read through it a second time and then share my overall thoughts/ advice at the end.
Specifics
1.
This should be tread instead of trod because the rest of the poem is in present tense.You trod the streets,
2. You seem to favour lots of really short lines but I actually think there are more powerful places to have the line breaks. I hope you don't mind if I play with your first few stanzas a little -
You walk the unforgiving streets,
hands clasping your cold, wet chest
as rain pools around your naked feet.
Tears drip down faded cheeks
with valleys almost deep
enough to hide the pain
hanging in your soft, blue eyes.
So I added a few different adjectives and things as well and I'm not very good at explaining why I think one word works better than another but some words like 'slicing' or 'pathways' seem more common and not as powerful as 'valleys' and 'hanging'. And yes, hanging is a common word as well but it's more thematic here than slicing because it gives that kind of sense that she's holding on by a thread and also brings in darker imagery like the hang man's noose.
3. I like the imagery in the third stanza - especially chicken legs. I'm not sure how 'blindly in the rain' ties in though - it feels very fragmented because I can't tell if it's about the dress or the woman.
4. I don't think you need the line 'swift messenger of death' which is very cliche and feels like you're telling us something we can infer. It also takes away the question of whether the car will kill her or not and that breaks the tension. Maybe something like:
You don't see it approach,
your back to the headlights,
the sound of the engine a low hum
an octave below the keener
thrust of hunger.
But it comes,
skidding down the road,
dangerously out of control.
Overall
The rest of the poem flows nicely but I think you could strengthen the imagery a little more as it's still quite simple. The emotions throughout the poem are strong though and there's a clear narrative behind your words. I think if you spend a little time adding some more unique/ unusual imagery to this then it will be a really solid poem. You could decide to choose a theme for the imagery you add - for example, do you want the poem to give a synthetic kind of vibe? In some ways our society makes it hard for people to grieve because people are more wrapped up i their own worlds/ spend too much time connected to technology rather than each other. If you added some synthetic imagery to the poem you could potentially push the sense that we need to look out for each other more.
Anyway, thanks for the read and let me know if you have any questions.
~Heather
- but I thought it hindered the flow of the poem. It kind of blocks the reader. For example; in your first verse, I think it would be better if you removed the comma after "Hand clasped to your," and "as rain sloshes,". Keep it in for the first line, and "cold wet chest" but maybe not on every line. In the next verse, the comma after "Slicing pathways through," was slightly annoying; and again after "Clings sloppily to your," - these were the most prominent ones for me. Saying that; the commas worked beautifully in your 4th verse; beginning: "You don't see it approach," - because you were listing the events. Reading it - that was really well punctuated. Maybe keep the commas in for the 4th verse; but remove them for the ones above to give a contrast. I also see that you changed the punctuation in the last 2 verses (5th and 6th). You added in full stops, I'm guessing as a parallel to her imminent death. "It's all over now." worked well. The abrupt end to the line was good. However the next 2 lines: "It has been since he, / Walked out of your life," for me - didn't fit. Maybe, instead of having them on 2 separate lines; put them into one? And then "Three years ago" was very good - it ended the verse abruptly - and kind of flat... which really changed the tone and pace well. The last verse however was really good - the punctuation worked perfectly with what you were trying to convey. You slowed the pace down effectively, and fragmented the lines so that the imagery was really supported by your use of punctuation - that worked amazing. 
I just wanted to say that the actual poem itself was beautifully written. 6 verses again (like your other poem) - was that for a reason? And I liked how this poem had ties to your first - almost like they all tell the story of this "Mary". I want to review this poem standalone though - in case you didn't mean for them to be related. 
Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631
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