Child of Light

This is an amazing poem!
Oh! Hi there Aspiring here for a review. Just a question, why do you put a comma after every stanza.
I would also write this in past tense, for ex. "His face was a sunbeam" This, for me, gives it a little bit more punch.
I would add another stanza that really concludes this poem. Also it is confusing if you are in love with this Dean or just a friend. It seems this poem wasn't really from heart and it was written for a class.

Hello speaker! ^^

Thank you for writing such a brilliant piece! It was awesome to have it read! Thank you very much! These days we don't see much happy poems here and your one's extraordinary!

I really like the title in particular. And, Dean probably, the boy about whom the poem is written! Now, your poetry, I like the structure. How you've arranged the lines, it's smart. I personally stink at structuring and have a very messy one (You can see if you ever bother to read my poetry :3 )

So, a very nice work. I don't have any suggestions for you right now so, I'll take your leave.

Keep being extraordinary!

~Nire

This is an amazing poem!
Oh! Hi there Aspiring here for a review. Just a question, why do you put a comma after every stanza.
I would also write this in past tense, for ex. "His face was a sunbeam" This, for me, gives it a little bit more punch.
I would add another stanza that really concludes this poem. Also it is confusing if you are in love with this Dean or just a friend. It seems this poem wasn't really from heart and it was written for a class.

Speakerskat!

This poem is about Dean! But it doesn't really seem sincere or authentic. By that I mean, I know nothing about the person the poem is about, and if it weren't for the description, I wouldn't even know the poem was based on somebody. Usually, when there's this sense of "what is this about?" in the reader, it's because the voice of the poet is lost and not getting through. The poet is not being sincere.

Sincerity in a poem, that's such an easy-hard thing to pull off! It's fun and easy to be truthful, it's all about just being yourself and just saying things the way only you can say them! At the same time, nothing is ever that easy, right? I don't have a sense of who the narrator is, and I think part of that is because you've put so much focus and effort and work into the lines and the rhymes and the sweet sentiments but all of that is just rhymes and sweet sentiments. I appreciate them. I know how hard it can be to write! But the more important thing is that it doesn't mean anything to me as a reader and it's distracting the real poem here. The real poem is Dean! So focus on that.

It's like if a salesperson were to try to sell you a pen. Would you buy a pen from someone who smiles all big and says they have the best pen ever and it's shiny and beautiful and look how awesome this pen is! Isn't this pen divine? Or-- would you rather the salesperson give you the pen and say, "Hey Speakerskat, I know you love poetry so how about you write me a poem with this pen and see for yourself how it melts in your hands?"

Poetry is like this second salesperson. Any poet wants for their poems to be read and enjoyed, but to do that you have to engage your readers and you have to be sincere with them. Meet them at their level, they are coming into your poem not knowing ANYTHING about what it's about. You can't just throw around words like beautiful and happy and butterflies and wonderful and hope for the best. The best way to transform the reader from the page and into your head and beautiful thoughts is to be honest.

The real poem is Dean. I want for you to be able to focus on the thought of Dean, on the idea of Dean, on the person who is Dean, and to be able to observe who he is: what he looks like, what he smells of, how does it feel when you're around Dean? What is he like? What does he sound like, what kind of voice does he have, low or smooth or sweet or lilting or brass or deep as a whale's hum? What histories or memories have you shared with him? What does he do? What does he say?

In other words - try to re-create Dean so that we can get to know him, so that we can celebrate him, so that this poem is not just simply "about" Dean, but actually recreates the experience of knowing him. Try to catch the vividness of his persona on the page. To do that, observe! Observe specific details - be as original or kooky or as interesting as possible as you do this. When you have a list of specific "show" (see/feel/touch/scent/sound) things, get that list together and string them with the right words as though they were puzzle pieces. Try to do this without rhyming. Let your voice be the poetry first! Rhyme can come later.


I hope this helps,

~ as always Audy