z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Together

by speakerskat


I want to be there,

cuddled on top of you

my cheek, pressed to yours

my warm breath, upon your neck

the rise and fall of your chest

like the rocking of a cradle

the purring of your snores

a most perfect lullaby

our shared warmth better

than any woolly comforter

the beating of your heart

syncing with mine

finally, we can sleep,

together.


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12 Reviews


Points: 91
Reviews: 12

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Wed Apr 11, 2018 9:12 pm
charlottejoness wrote a review...



Hi, Charlottejoness here for a review!

I really liked reading this poem it is very unique and different to other love poems. However, in order to make it even better, I think you should add in either some stanzas or punctuation. I like how it runs on from each line however, it can become too much. Enjambment is always good with a reasoning behind it.

Keep up the really good work :)




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200 Reviews


Points: 60
Reviews: 200

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Sun Apr 01, 2018 9:56 pm
kman134 wrote a review...



Hi. This is Kman134. I'm here to review your work.

the use of intimacy as a theme was really good. the visual of two lovers coming together and being with one another was very beautiful and well-written. I loved how you were able to graph the gestures and positions of your figures in your poem but still leaving it as ambiguous as possible.

"I want to be there,

cuddled on top of you

my cheek, pressed to yours

my warm breath, upon your neck."

This was my favorite part. it was so realistic and alluring that it was like watching a romantic film the was written and produced by a reincarnated Lord Byron. the emotional feeling was sensuous but was also relaxing as well. the desire of two lovers yearning to be with one another I what gave this poem a sense of humanity as we all long to be with the one who completes us.

This was a pretty good poem. I hope to read more of your work.




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841 Reviews


Points: 664
Reviews: 841

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Sun Apr 01, 2018 4:01 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



Radrook here a once again
to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if I offend.
It isn’t my intention.

Please feel free to cast aside
all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do, be sure it's true
by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Thanks for sharing this poem expressing the strong yearning of wanting to sleep with a beloved one. The desired experience is very well described in the poem and can arouse either memories of its reality or else a longing to experience what has never been experienced before.

The listening to the breathing, touch of the cheek, lying on top, all convey a beautiful picture of a loving intimacy.

Suggestions

Use of commas would have been nice.
Also, the addition of adjectives and adverbs would have added to the imagery's vividness.

For example, the nouns neck, cheek, chest, cradle might have been enhanced by adjectives.

All in all a very pleasant poem. Looking forward to reading more of your work.





Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
— Groucho Marx