I want to be there,
cuddled on top of you
my cheek, pressed to yours
my warm breath, upon your neck
the rise and fall of your chest
like the rocking of a cradle
the purring of your snores
a most perfect lullaby
our shared warmth better
than any woolly comforter
the beating of your heart
syncing with mine
finally, we can sleep,
together.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,867 Literary Works • 672,779 Reviews
Hi, Charlottejoness here for a review!
I really liked reading this poem it is very unique and different to other love poems. However, in order to make it even better, I think you should add in either some stanzas or punctuation. I like how it runs on from each line however, it can become too much. Enjambment is always good with a reasoning behind it.
Keep up the really good work
Hi. This is Kman134. I'm here to review your work.
the use of intimacy as a theme was really good. the visual of two lovers coming together and being with one another was very beautiful and well-written. I loved how you were able to graph the gestures and positions of your figures in your poem but still leaving it as ambiguous as possible.
"I want to be there,
cuddled on top of you
my cheek, pressed to yours
my warm breath, upon your neck."
This was my favorite part. it was so realistic and alluring that it was like watching a romantic film the was written and produced by a reincarnated Lord Byron. the emotional feeling was sensuous but was also relaxing as well. the desire of two lovers yearning to be with one another I what gave this poem a sense of humanity as we all long to be with the one who completes us.
This was a pretty good poem. I hope to read more of your work.
Radrook here a once again
to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if I offend.
It isn’t my intention.
Please feel free to cast aside
all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do, be sure it's true
by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this poem expressing the strong yearning of wanting to sleep with a beloved one. The desired experience is very well described in the poem and can arouse either memories of its reality or else a longing to experience what has never been experienced before.
The listening to the breathing, touch of the cheek, lying on top, all convey a beautiful picture of a loving intimacy.
Suggestions
Use of commas would have been nice.
Also, the addition of adjectives and adverbs would have added to the imagery's vividness.
For example, the nouns neck, cheek, chest, cradle might have been enhanced by adjectives.
All in all a very pleasant poem. Looking forward to reading more of your work.