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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hey there! June here! (go team, right?)
I think you did an excellent job here balancing a rhyme scheme with a meaningful poem that felt neither forced or uneven for the most part. Much respect to you for that; in all of my years of writing, it's still my biggest challenge, so I'm not sure I could do it as well as you have here.
I did find two parts where it felt rather forced and they are as follows:
My recommendation here would be restructure this line entirely to avoid 'dead' hanging on as just an afterthought. If dead can't work here, it may be better to just replace the word with a different one to sustain a better flow.
and,
I am not sure that 'inquisitivity' is a proper word, but if you like it, by all means, feel free to use your artistic license and let it be one! The problem I have with this bit is that it feels pressed, dear, when it comes to the last two lines. Don't be afraid to use synonyms to replace inquisivity. Don't be afraid to let this poem rest and be returned to with a fresh eye later on to help improve it. The ending to the poem feels rather abrupt as if you ran out of rhyme to carry it through to the end, when instead, I feel like it should tie the poem together and gracefully conclude it. Don't be afraid to rephrase, and if it doesn't work, consider an alternative ending.
You did well throughout this for the most part. Keep up the good work, dear,
June
Here are a few things:
Grammar:
Insert a space between silence and dead.
Content:
I feel like the first and last stanza are playful and light-hearted, but your second stanza is very dark. It takes on such a dramatic turn in mood. Maybe do the change more gradually from the emotions? Also, I think a little more explaination in here would benefit the reader. Also keepquiet and tell your friends are pretty different ideas .
Just keep working with it. Good luck and keep writing!
~Kaylyn
It was like a mini story which was cool, the punctuation and spelling may of been a bit out of place. For instance in the last stanza it was "So just keep quiet, But tell your other friends, When you try so hard to hide it, My inquisitivity has no ends." was very well done though ehm haha I don't know if that's a word. x) Inquisitivity. But it was a fun little poem, simple but sweet, just from the poem, I found I had enough to eat! I like how the rabbit was inspiration, taking inspiration from simple things is always cool. Keep up the work though.
It's not a word
I really like the rhythm and the rhyme. And the subject. I can relate to what you said in this, and I think a lot of poets (who tend to be reclusive) can also relate. I think your word choice while simple is quite effective. I don't really get what you're trying to say in lines 7-11. It sounds nice and all, I just don't get the context. I especially like the first stanza and the last line.
Ya I think I'm rushinf for review day XD once again I'm not totally sure
Hello! Swiftfur here with a review for you.
I only saw a few mistakes. To, should be, too.
The second line in the first paragraph should have a period.
Over all, it was a great poem! I can see how it relates to a rabbit.
~Swiftfur
First off I love your definition. I loved the poem too.i don't know how a bunny inspired this but ok lol. This was a great poem and I hade great adjectives and flowed nicely. I wish it was longer though
. I like I said in my last review, it would make this even better with a few exaplrs of figurative Language.
~MindBlown