z

Young Writers Society



Headphones

by speakerskat


You were always just along for the ride

walking blindly with headphones on high

it all crashed down the day the music died

.

in and out of classes, nowhere to hide

your only solace, the beating of drums

you were always just along for the ride

.

never a falter in your step, your stride

the steady rhythm keeping you aloft

it all crashed down the day the music died

.

the strings that had carefully held your pride

just kind of snapped, the whole world out of tune

you were always just along for the ride

.

eyes wide with horror, broken headphones fried

sanity slips, defining silences

it all crashed down the day the music died

.

Thoughts rush in, but there's no soul left to guide

just a hollow shell, a numb mindless rone

you were always, just along for the ride

it all crashed down, the day the music died

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117 Reviews

Points: 11345
Reviews: 117

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Sat Oct 29, 2016 10:23 pm
Astronomer wrote a review...



Bonjour, Speakerskat!

C'est Moonwatcher, here with a review just before review day begins!

Jumping right into the review, this isn't so much criticism as it is advice. I'm talking about the rhyme scheme. This tends to get into people's heads a lot when it comes to poetry, and this is just a friendly reminder that not all poems have to rhyme. My reasoning why I strongly advise to not rhyme: I feel as if rhyming limits the author's creativity. Yes, every word has a rhyme, but that rhyme might not be the word that you're trying to look for. I believe that rhyming limits the words that the author really wants to use, and limits the emotions that the author is really trying to convey. It's very hard to come up with a rhyming word, as well, and when writing the poem, trying to find a rhyming word may get you stumped. A counter argument may be the belief that rhyme scheme helps improve flow, but there are so many other ways to do that, including just simply changing a few words around.

I would also like to point out that the rhyme scheme is very repetitive. It's all words with the ending "ide". Chances are that this is intentional, but it may bug the reader when words are repeating such as "died" and "ride".

I'm not really going to touch the imagery aspect here, because again, it feels so limited by the rhyme scheme that it'd be very hard to improve.

That's all I have to say. Again, I strongly suggest rethinking the rhyme scheme, as that appears to be your biggest flaw in this poem. Regardless, this was a decent poem. Have a great day! ^-^




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39 Reviews

Points: 1303
Reviews: 39

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Mon Oct 10, 2016 5:10 am
znale1 wrote a review...



Hey speakerskat!

Your poem was pretty impressive, but I have to say it's a little confusing. Lemme start with the small things first though. More punctuation, capitol letters and all the stuff you would have learned in year 5. Now to the main question, would his mind really be a numb mindless rone? I'd imagine you would listen to music to get your mind off complicated things. I suggest maybe changing the last stanza into something where he goes back into his world of problems.

I really like the purpose of the poem though, because it's really relatable. Also what is the ride? Because I have many ideas of what the ride may or may not be.

Thanks,
znale1





There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
— Arthur C. Clarke