I ran hard,
He lay cold,
my great desire,
was it lust?
Bloodlust.
It shouldn't have happened,
Not to him ,
Not to me,
I couldn't help it.
I had seen it,
Million times before,
Sink my teeth in,
Slowly he'd be mine.
Mother had done it,
Some mortal soul,
Became my father,
One quick bite, mine.
I did it wrong,
Strange little vampire,
All they said,
Somehow they knew me.
My great curse,
I killed him,
My sweet beloved,
Unforgivable, forever alone.
Bloodlust.
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137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
I. Love. Vampires. Is this based on Twilight??? I've never seen it but I know that there are vampires in it.
gosh this piece was bad
Hello!
I'm in agreement with dragonfphoenix. This poem had an abundance of commas and short line breaks, therefore making the poem have a choppy flow. I suggest you go through and try to fix the stanzas and make the transitions smoother. Also, this could do with making more sense, because the short lines don't really explain a whole lot and just confuse the reader.
Moving on, I feel like this could do with some more imagery. Describe this bloodlust, and why the narrator did what she did. From what I read, the female is a vampire and she killed her male human lover out of bloodlust? Describe this to me. How did it make her feel? What did he taste like? Details like that do wonders to enhance the poem.
But you really do have a nice idea going here and I like the twist, that the female is the vampire instead of the male. We don't see much of those stories, so that's a nice change of pace. This does need some work so it can have a smoother flow and make more sense, but other that that, it's good. I hope you consider improving it! I hope I helped. ^^
Knight Dragon, here to review!
The biggest issue this poem struggles with is the fact that it's forcing itself to be too small, too short, and it doesn't flow properly.
Examples:
"Million times before" is too compressed, and doesn't make much sense. It needs at least an "a" in front of "millions."
That quote also illustrates another issue the poem ran into (especially in the first stanza): too many commas. Commas are typically used for pauses, but even if it's just for normal punctuation, the flow isn't working quite right. Commas link ideas in poetry, or slow down the running on of ideas, but in this piece, the commas make it feel like you've just smashed all of these ideas together.
With those two lines, I feel like there's a time shift between the seeing in the past and the vampire actually sinking her teeth (or envisioning it) into him. But with the comma there, it seems like the two ideas are linked as being simultaneous.
The commas are a big issue here. That first line could use either a period, colon, or dash. It points to the fact that the next three lines are a development, or an explanation. The second line could do completely without the comma, since it breaks flow and isolates the two ideas, which are interconnected. Third comma could use the same attention as the first line there.
That should give you enough of an idea of where to begin revising this.
Hope this helps!
I have a thing about loving commas its a habit. Thanks I just wrote this on the fly and put almost no effort into it. I plan to write a longer supernatural romance poem in the future with more flow and rhythm. I was just trying to see how the general audience responds to the topic and the basic idea. Plus, I like werewolves more so the other will probabl be about them.