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Parting Words

by speakerskat

My parting words,
Like a knife in my throat,
You'll never hear,
My heart's sad note.

Three little words,
I fell from the sky,
You won't hear,
Before I die.

She took your heart,
Tore it to pieces,
Left for the wind,
Your pain has no end.

You took my heart,
Tore it to pieces,
Left for the wind,
My pain has no end.

Three little words,
I love you,
I wish I'd said,
Now what can I do?

My parting words,
You were my beloved,
You never knew,
It's you I did love.

~Rhyme scheme should be constant A/B/C/B except for the two middle stanzas which are A/B/C/C

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111 Reviews

Points: 6921
Reviews: 111

Sun Jul 14, 2013 6:13 pm
Carina wrote a review...

Hi! Your Secret Santa is back to review more of your work. 8)
I'd like to remind you that I'm definitely not a poetry kind of gal, so this review will be kinda short and bit amateur when compared to my first review. xD

I really liked the first two stanzas. It flowed pretty well to me, and if you read it out loud, the words seem to fall nicely together.

Let's look at your two middle stanzas, though:

She took your heart,
Tore it to pieces,
Left for the wind,
Your pain has no end.

You took my heart,
Tore it to pieces,
Left for the wind,
My pain has no end.

It states that the rhyming scheme is A/B/C/C, but "wind" and "end" don't really rhyme with each other. D: And so the "my pain has no end" part sounds a bit off place and it kind of throws off the balance of the piece. Also, this may just be my personal preference, but the repetition of the two stanzas (except for the first word) seems a bit much to me. I know you're trying to go for a certain feel, but I'm reading the same thing, and the effect doesn't seems to go by smoothly.

Your second-to-last stanza seems fine to me, but your last one sounds a little off. I think it's the last line: "It's you I did love." The rhyming is "beloved" and "love," but that's kind cheat rhyming to me since "love" is in the word "beloved." xD Also, since there's a 'd' at the end, it doesn't sound like it totally rhymes.

Well, that's it! Again, sorry if this review is kinda blerghh. I'm not a poetry expert. xD

Keep writing! At least this piece was fun to read. :)

~ Carina

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6 Reviews

Points: 640
Reviews: 6

Wed Jun 19, 2013 5:21 pm
knivesandpens wrote a review...

The flow of the entire poem really wasn't flowing for me. The rhyme scheme was hard to pick up on. But I did enjoy the poem over all. It really connected with your audience and many people can relate to it. My favorite line was the last one, although it didn't flow, it still is my favorite. Over all I really liked this poem.

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43 Reviews

Points: 755
Reviews: 43

Sun Jun 09, 2013 2:20 am
SocialSuicide107 wrote a review...

Hello lovely,
Ugh, finally I get to review something of yours.(; Ok, so I really liked your poem. The message was easy to get and very uniquely done. The ryhmming thing wasn't really an issue because of the little thingy you put at the bottom of the poem, however, the very last stanza doesn't really rhyme to me. It seemed a bit off. I would say to change the second line "you were my beloved." To something like...

"As I follow the angels above" or

"Something you'll never hear of"

Something like that. XS I think it would flow a little better. But other than that I like it. Wonderful job.(:

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1313 Reviews

Points: 23286
Reviews: 1313

Sun Jun 09, 2013 2:16 am
Hannah wrote a review...

When you think about it, "I love you" as a phrase is not very meaningful. You and I both know there are so many different kinds of love: family love, friendly love, romantic love, platonic love, pet love, infatuation, crushes, etc. etc. Because there are so many kinds of love, so many things that it could possibly mean, when it's used as something that's the focus of a literary work, it comes out sounding hollow.

You can fix this by being specific.

Usually people have some kinds of their own personal standards or boundaries. I go out to movies with my friends, but I only go to cafes with people I'm on a date with. Or, I let my friends give me advice when I'm sad, but I'll only cry in front of someone I feel really comfortable around. You know, you might say you hold friends with friendly friends but only kiss people you're romantically interested in. All these thing are individual decisions about the boundaries between the different kinds of love. It's these determinations that give love specificity, and so I am here to suggest that instead of making a poem revolving around empty words, you look deeper and find the specific future that this speaker has lost -- the one thing they really wanted to do with this person that they never got to do, and now they are afraid they have to go through all the hunting and waiting and building again to find someone who might be able to fulfill their specific requirement.

Like maybe this girl never lets the guy take his socks off in her house or maybe she never lets him watch what she's writing or maybe she never drinks from the same cup etc. etc. etc. Little things that mean a lot to her that would more specifically describe the love she wanted to feel for the other character than "I love you".

I hope you understand what I mean!

The only other thing I would say is that when your rhyme scheme makes you spit out awkward lines like "It's you I did love" (which we would never say in real dialogue), it's probably time to reconsider your rhyme scheme. Rhyme is okay ONLY if you retain full control over everything you want to say, and it gets awkward when rhyme starts controlling YOU and making you write things you wouldn't write normally.

Lemme know if you have any questions or comments. Good luck and keep writing!

speakerskat says...

Hmm, I do undertand what you mean, that will be interesting. Ye, I just like rhyme so much I let it dictate my writing quite often . I am trying to give my writing more emotion and imagrey and raw feeling without the hinders of rhyming. Thanks

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47 Reviews

Points: 240
Reviews: 47

Sat Jun 08, 2013 12:47 am
Wonder wrote a review...

That third and fourth stanza kind of doesn't flow very well.....

But it is still really good. I love your poems a lot. :D I love the second to last stanza...
Aww, this makes me want to cry. >.< Don't cry don't cry don't cry....

Anyways, good bye! :D

- Wonder

speakerskat says...

It was supposed to break the natural rhyme scheme, sort of like a song and thanks!

Wonder says...

Oh, okay! Cool! :D Your welcome!

“I don't talk things, sir. I talk the meaning of things.”
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451