Hi! Your Secret Santa is back to review more of your work.
I'd like to remind you that I'm definitely not a poetry kind of gal, so this review will be kinda short and bit amateur when compared to my first review. xD
I really liked the first two stanzas. It flowed pretty well to me, and if you read it out loud, the words seem to fall nicely together.
Let's look at your two middle stanzas, though:
She took your heart,
Tore it to pieces,
Left for the wind,
Your pain has no end.
You took my heart,
Tore it to pieces,
Left for the wind,
My pain has no end.
It states that the rhyming scheme is A/B/C/C, but "wind" and "end" don't really rhyme with each other. D: And so the "my pain has no end" part sounds a bit off place and it kind of throws off the balance of the piece. Also, this may just be my personal preference, but the repetition of the two stanzas (except for the first word) seems a bit much to me. I know you're trying to go for a certain feel, but I'm reading the same thing, and the effect doesn't seems to go by smoothly.
Your second-to-last stanza seems fine to me, but your last one sounds a little off. I think it's the last line: "It's you I did love." The rhyming is "beloved" and "love," but that's kind cheat rhyming to me since "love" is in the word "beloved." xD Also, since there's a 'd' at the end, it doesn't sound like it totally rhymes.
Well, that's it! Again, sorry if this review is kinda blerghh. I'm not a poetry expert. xD
Keep writing! At least this piece was fun to read.
~ Carina
Points: 10085
Reviews: 147
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