A world of crystalline blue
Deep emerald greens
Startling splendid reds
Once, there was.
.
A life of hope and
Immense prosperity
Peace for all living
Once, there was.
.
Men, women, animals
All together as
One unified organ
Once, there was.
.
Before Adam and Eve
Before Pandora's box
Before time
Before God himself
Once, there was.
.
Some feel
It was all the fault
Of mankind because
Once, there had been...
.
Some feel
They left the scar
Of tar black
Upon this gem.
.
Some feel
They don't deserve
What the world
Was meant to be.
.
Some feel
This mythical paradise
Is better lost to
The wind.
.
But, I want to
Change this curse
Change this history
Change this damnation!
.
I want to
Make kids smile
Make the broken whole
Make us worthy!
.
I want to
End the hunger
End the poverty
End the suffering!
.
I want to
Free the animals
Free the people
Free our lives...
.
Once, there was
A world
So perfect
And blue.
.
Some feel
That it is lost
Long stolen
From mankind.
.
I want to
Bring it back
Restore this paradise
For all people.
.
I
Have hope
For a future
Without
Violence,judgment,ignorance,pain
And it all starts
With me.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hi, J here for a review.
I have spent most of my inbetween class time doing Green Room Reviews today, and this was on of the best poems that I have done.
Since this poem is great on the grammar aspect I am just gonna make some suggestions of things to consider.
You have a good rhyme and you kept things flowing just fine. You might try to make some longer line so things aren't as disconnected. Filler lines are always a good thing as well
Lovely image. "tar" is especially important because it references human involvement in global warming really quickly, without going into description of what we all know. Although, I imagine you'd be good at writing an angry environmentalist poem if you wanted to.
Good Job and Keep Writing!!
Hey, I've been spending my day doing green room reviews, and this is the first one I've given a like to, so props for that
Unfortunately, that makes it somewhat more difficult to review. I'm going to just give you some suggestions that could be fun to explore, but I don't think there's any major flaws that need to be addressed.
I think your poem flows well, but I also think it would be worth investigating what lines that are longer would be like. The quick line breaks sort of turn into a ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum. This is good for the earlier stanzas where it's the world getting worse, and worse, and worse. And people being sadder, and sadder, and sadder. But I think for the final stanza it might be nice to break out of this, since you're trying to break the cycle. Something like:
I can't think of any other flaws so I'll just quickly know what you did well so that you continue to do that in other works.
The repetition: This was perfect. Repetition is super effective in short bursts but quite often it makes its point then gets annoying. Varying what is repeated is very important. Well done.
Lovely image. "tar" is especially important because it references human involvement in global warming really quickly, without going into description of what we all know. Although, I imagine you'd be good at writing an angry environmentalist poem if you wanted to xD
Oh, one other thing, most of it has been about the environment, so the 4 things that you want to end in the final stanza kind of jut out a bit. Maybe just include in the rest of the poem references to war and discrimination and stuff.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits