The time for the yearly slaughter has arrived
and in the deep, damp darkness of the forest,
I sit waiting,
-
waiting for the men with the bright-orange hunting vests,
the proud, bold anxious men with their metal rods that thunder and kill.
-
Waiting for them to set their steel traps and take cover.
For their human eyes to begin scanning for movement.
For their human fingers to rest nervously on the triggers.
-
I listen intently for the first yelp of pain and the quickened breathing of the dying.
Listen for the loud laughter of celebrations around a campfire as they strap our carcasses on
vehicle hoods.
-
I wait patiently
I wait silently
I wait cunningly
until the time is right for me to strike.
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140,385 Literary Works • 673,140 Reviews
Marvelous 😘, yoau have provided us something to think on .
Nice , keep going ☺.
Hello! I think you did a very good job on this poem. You made a good representation of what could be going on in an animals head when hunting season starts. I especially enjoyed the last bit when we find out that the animal hiding is not something like a deer or a rabbit, but a predator of some sort.
One critique that I must give is on the lines,
"I listen intently for the first yelp of pain and the quickened breathing of the dying.
Listen for the loud laughter of celebrations around a campfire as they strap our carcasses on vehicle hoods."
I feel like there is just too much going here, and that its breaking the rhythm of the poem. Maybe try breaking the lines up into smaller sections. Also, the last part about the carcasses on the vehicle hoods makes sense with the story but over all it doesn't fir the rhythm and kinda sticks out like a sore thumb. So, maybe next time try rephrasing it a little bit to make it fit a little better.
Over all, this poem is very well written and extremely enjoyable. Keep up the food work.
Thanks. Much appreciate the review.
Halo Radrook I am here to Review your poem, okay fist thing this is a good length, The time for the yearly slaughter has arrived, this dosent make sens to me, it is just a little era,
you said, The time for the yearly slaughter has arrived, The time to slaughter has arrived, see what I have chanched,
waiting for the men with the bright-orange hunting vests, were is he or she wating, are they in a cave or a house, see there is things that you need to eknolij,
Waiting for them to set their steel traps and take cover, I do not understand this bit, why would they want to take over pleas eksplan to me why,
For their human fingers to rest nervously on the triggers, okay why would they want to mender people, pleas tell me,
Listen for the loud laughter of celebrations around a campfire as they strap our carcasses on, I think this line needs to be shorted a bit, it is a bit to long for a poem,
until the time is right for me to strike, nise rime, I just don't no what this means what do you mean, wen you say this,
so that was all that I can say, so keep up the good work,
@MoonFlower out to see the Moon, and the Flowers, to get to you, have a good review day,
Thanks for the feedback. When natural predators are reduced or absent, then humans set up a schedule to permit hunting in order to keep deer populations under control. If not, a mass starvation of the deer will occur due to the inability of the forest to provide enough sustenance.
okay, thank you for this.
Firstly: Great work! I really liked it, I'm not sure if "deep damp darkness" was written purposefully to roll off the tongue so easily but well done with that one.
A suggestion: Try dividing the line "the proud, bold anxious men with their metal rods that thunder and kill." into two lines and read it aloud. So like:
"the proud, bold anxious men,
with their metal rods that thunder and kill."
When you divide it like that with the pause that comes from the line change I think the flow would go better, but I suggest you try it out first for yourself.
Otherwise great work
Your use of language is dynamic. Deep, damp darkness. Proud bold anxious men. Loud laughter.
It's really fun to read, and easy to visualize.
But some of the lines broke the rhythm, and made the piece feel a bit cluttered. For example:
To begin scanning for movement. Strap our carcasses on vehicle hoods.
I feel a though a bit of editting, with a focus on cultivating a strong sense of rhythm would make this a real powerhouse piece.
Thanks for the review. I do appreciate your advice but you need to be more specific about the rhythm. What is wrong with it exactly? If I knew I would not do it. So you have to tell me. Thank you for the help.
Let's see...
During the first five lines of the poem you show us the deep damp dark forest, bright orange hunting vests, the proud bold anxious men. But on line six you start to tell rather than show. Their is still a little "showing" but not nearly as much.
For me, your switch from bold descriptive writing to simpler telling interrupts the rhythm and tone you set in the beginning.
I hope that makes sense!
Let's see...
During the first five lines of the poem you show us the deep damp dark forest, bright orange hunting vests, the proud bold anxious men. But on line six you start to tell rather than show. Their is still a little "showing" but not nearly as much.
For me, your switch from bold descriptive writing to simpler telling interrupts the rhythm and tone you set in the beginning.
I hope that makes sense!
I really like this poem!
The structure of your poem is also very effective. I like your use of polyptoton with 'wait' and 'waiting' and anaphora with your repetition of "Waiting for...", "For their human...", and "I wait...". I also like how you don't necessarily capitalize the first letters of every line. It keeps the flow of the poem nicely, and the lines that are capitalized further emphasize the mood of the poem.
I like the non-human perspective and how readers never actually discover what the creature is. As humans, we often have a distorted perspective of our significance, and this poem reveals human ignorance and false confidence in a really interesting way. You convey the animal's keen, intelligent perspective compellingly. While we feel a little bad for the humans, it's hard not to feel triumphant for the creature as it (sorry I know this is wrong pronoun usage) takes revenge for the deaths of its kind.
Thanks for the review Battlestar. Good to know that you enjoyed the read. Yes I understand how we can feel empathy for animals in that way. After all, they are sentient creatures. Unfortunately humans tend to forget that sometimes.