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E - Everyone

Into the Hole

by Radrook


Into the maw of deep darkness I fell

bulging my eyes like a frog,

thinking perhaps I was headed for hell,

along with my brood polliwogs.

-

Yelping and yelling, I slid as I went,

dragging my innards behind,

swaggering swallowing, vast firmaments,

flapping my frog legs in time.

-

Into that hole I went groping with hope,

into the hole, winking wild!

Hey, everyone! I’m beginning to choke!

So guess I’ll be dead in a while.

-

Into the roiling, black darkness I plunged,

into the darkness sublime!

Soaked me right up like a thirsty, dry sponge.

Too bad that I went in my prime.


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12 Reviews


Points: 1014
Reviews: 12

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Sun May 27, 2018 3:51 am
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kratos17 wrote a review...



I love the rhyme sceme and just overall imagery. It kind of made me feel like I was reading a cheesy Dr. Suess rhyme with like dark images such as:
"Into that hole I went groping with hope,

into the hole, winking wild!

Hey, everyone! I’m beginning to choke!

So guess I’ll be dead in a while."
I didn't really find anything grammatically wrong with it and it seems really good. So, keep up the good work!




Radrook says...


Thanks for the review and sorry for my late response. Somehow the review got passed me! Glad to know that you enjoyed the poem's rather glib and playful style. :)



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20 Reviews


Points: 1882
Reviews: 20

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Sun May 20, 2018 2:13 am
GodHatesShane wrote a review...



Hi, Radrook! Shane here for a review. Hopefully I can do your work justice; I am always blown away by them. Anyway, on to the review!

Grammar/ Spelling
Overall, I didn't notice any major grammar or spelling issues. However, in the third line of the third stanza, a comma is needed between the words "hey" and "everyone." ("Hey, everyone! I'm beginning to choke!") Also, a comma is not needed in the penultimate line of the last stanza.

Format
The format of this poem is basic and straightforward. No problems here.

Other Notes
The ending of this poem feels a bit abrupt. Perhaps that was intended, but I felt I should bring it to attention in case it wasn't.

All in all, this was a wonderful poem, and I enjoyed reading (and reviewing!) it very much. Keep writing!

All my best,
Shane




Radrook says...


Thanks for the review and the advice. Much appreciated. Now that you mention it-it does seem to have a bit of an abrupt ending.





Of course. It was my pleasure.




The first draft is a trip to the amusement park. The next drafts are returning there as a safety inspector.
— SunsetTree