There was a man in a far off land
who built a time machine.
He tuned it fine until the time
appropriate for him.
-
And when it seemed like every ream
and bolt was in its place,
he sat he down in early dawn
and shot through time and space.
-
He grit his teeth and couldn't breath
and thought that he would die.
His eyes bulged out and he gave shouts
and baby-like he cried.
-
And then a blast and very fast
the vehicle was displaced
upon a cliff above a rift
dividing time and space.
-
He grumbled at what he had got
so turned the dials again.
But nothing moved and in that groove
he firmly stuck, remained.
-
He still sits there upon his chair
not knowing what to do.
Sometimes he blinks. Sometimes he thinks.
And sometimes he just chews.
-
Sometimes he counts, sometimes he mounts
imaginary steeds.
Sometimes he moans, sometimes he groans,
while sometimes he just breathes.
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Canary word: Present
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139,398 Literary Works • 672,547 Reviews
Hiya! Space here for a review! It's been awhile since we've interacted, and you're writing is still amazing!
Something that I personally find challenging when writing poetry is making it flow. That doesn't seem like a problem for you, though, because it all just flows together perfectly and rolls off the tongue. The rhyming also really feeds into the satisfying structure of the poem, it seems relatively even and pretty good.
Onto the topic of the poem--my first thought went to the original novel called The Time Machine, which to me, set a really nice overall feeling around it, kinda old-timey sci-fi. (If that makes sense.)
When it comes to grammatical errors, there were really barely any. On the very last sentence ("--while sometimes he just breathes") should have a period, and the commas and periods seemed a bit off until I realized which lines/stanzas were sentences and where sentences started and stopped.
In conclusion, it was a really good read and, like always, I enjoyed it! Good job!
~Space
Thanks for the help. I will go over the punctuation and see if I can make it better.
No problem.^^
Hey there!
I liked your poem. It was creative and dramatic.
I liked these lines the most: "He grit his teeth and couldn't breath
and thought that he would die.
His eyes bulged out and he gave shouts
and baby-like he cried."
These express a lot.
By the way, I think it will be "grits".
On the whole, great poem. Keep it up!
Thanks for the review. Very much appreciated. Please keep in mind that "grits" is the present tense while "grit"is in the past tense. The part that I use "grit"is describing what happened to him in the past. I had yet not started to describe what he is doing in the present as he sits there.
Ow...my mistake!
No problem. Thanks for taking the time to read my poem and to comment.
You're welcome.
Umm..how do you give emoji? (Don't laugh!)
Place a colon for the eyes and then a parenthesis for the smile.
Or you can try this :http://getemoji.com
oo..ok. Thanks
I'm always game for interesting poems, so this is right up my street! The rhyme scheme was suitably quirky, the stanza lengths were just right and the poem had a good overall flow. The pacing and rhythm were also excellent, in the words of the best English teacher I've ever had, you could feel the heartbeat of the poem. Really nice work!
Thanks for the review. Really appreciate he feedback!
Hey, Savannah here, writing a quick review!
I love the quirky rhyme scheme and enjoyed reading it quite a bit, it's definitely fun for the imagination! You did a terrific job at telling he story through the poem and tying it up quite nicely, I thought that it was really well done. I can only point out/notice one thing that really throws it off balance, grammar-wise, and kind of stuck with me.
In the fourth line of the fifth stanza, "he firmly stuck remained." feels really off-putting without the commas to separate the adjective phrase to describe how he remained. I think it would flow much better with the changes being, "he, firmly stuck, remained." Perhaps it's just me? That's the only thing that really stuck out from the rest of the poem, which was really well written otherwise!
Something I loved was, instead of using the more general iambic pentameter to construct the poem, it follows a general 8-6 meter measure, where every other line is constructed, loosely, of 8 syllables per line, and every other line following that is loosely constructed using 6 syllables. It gives it a really unique feel and a steady rhythm that I don't think I've seen anywhere else.
Keep up the great work! I'd love to read some more of your poetry!
Thanks for the review and encouragement. Much appreciated. I added the comma so that it reads better. Thanks for the help.
Anytime, thanks for sharing it, it was cute and cool! I loved it!
Hiya!
Temptress here to give a review!
So I overall thought this poem was very well written and it only has one or two things I'd like to point at.
So the first thing was this sentence, "He grit his teeth and couldn't breathe." I don't know if was intentional but I feel like where "He" is it would sound better with the word "He'd" but however that is nothing but my personal opinion.
The second thing is that after "Sometimes he blinks, and sometimes he thinks. And sometimes he just chews." The last sentence is this part seems misplaced and to me it throws off the rhyme sceam.
So that's all for now.
Until next time!
~Temptress~
Thanks for the review. Very much appreciate it. I will give the suggestions serious consideration.
You're welcome. Your poem was still very good.