The two o'clock A.M. mambo rhythm
vibrates the apartment wall
spilling out into the hall.
Floor-boards slap against the old lady’s
shoes as the hostess and host stare
bloodshot-eyed and sleepy
wishing she'd desist
become aware
praying she would finally get the jist
of their glares.
-
But feelings could be hurt
so they dare not blurt
"Go home!" as her
elbows go flying
boney hips gyrating,
wide, crooked smile surrounded by
a sea of wrinkles percolating.
Salaciously slow
then
Fastidiously fast
Fastidiously fast
then
Salaciously slow
Putting on a grand geriatric show
to the pounding beat of the marvelous mambo
at two a.m. in the morning
scorning time while feeling sublime
--
until a young dancer's elbow dents the bridge
of her aquiline nose
and home she goes
on the tip of her tipy-tip toes to painfully repose
as the mambo music still ebbs and flows
at 2 a.m. in the mornin.
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139,334 Literary Works • 672,537 Reviews
Hey there! It's ZeldaIsShiek here to review another quintessential piece of literature that made my day and win this Review Day by helping the Red Pandas stay in first place and reaching my goal of 80 reviews. I might even get to 100, if I work hard enough. I am really excited to review this amazing piece of art that you have created, and maybe add some witty humor as well. Anyway, that's enough idle chatter from me. Let's get into the review.
Since I am having trouble understanding the meaning behind this poem, I will just be reviewing the poem's grammatical structure and prose. I will be making sure that all of the spelling is correct and analyzing the rhyme scheme. I do think that it is about a dancer (old, supposedly) who is dancing too late and shaking an apartment building at a party, but they don't want to be rude and send her home.
First I would to mention that your work has irregular stanzas, as well as no clear or prominent rhyme scheme. I like how you rhyme when you want to, instead of following one set pattern the whole time like a lot of poets (myself included) are guilty of. Your spelling was off in multiple places, such as "bloodshot-eyed" not being a word. Perhaps using "bloodshot-eyes" and changing the next clause would be helpful? Other than that, I like how you animated the dancing with vivid words and clever rhyming.
That's all for today. Keep writing amazing literature that inspires me to read and review them, and have a great Review Day! Let's beat the Blues once and for all!
~ZeldaIsShiek
Thanks for the review. I notice that you express confusion about the poem's purpose.
Please notice that one of the categories that the poem is listed under is humor. The reason that categories are provided is to inform the reviewer what the poem is attempting. So a reviewer having read this should know that this poem's intention is at the least to elicit a chuckle and isn't just aimlessly providing details without having any specific purpose.
However, even if it had not been placed under the humor category, there are various meanings that can be derived from the description as well as a moral lessons. For example, here we have a senior citizen not acting her age. Her dancing can be seen as a rebellion against aging itself. A refusal to acknowledge the aging process as justifiable by going along with its demands.
Apart from being a metaphorical representation of a rebellion against aging, it also provides a lesson in being more aware of our surroundings. We don't exist in a vacuum and have roles to play. Her role at that moment was as a guest. If the householders are glaring there is a reason.
Empathy is called for. People her age and even far younger are expected to know when one is becoming a pest and what when a host glares he or she is annoyed. There is also a warning indicating that the solution that some humans might employ to get rid of a pest might involve cunning violence. So assuming total safety while around humans isn't wise. They might hesitate in telling the guest to leave but not hesitate in sending a friend to deliver a blow to the nose. Humans are like that sometimes.
Hopes that helps.
I like how it is set as something free, not set out in like a pattern. This shows freedom within your text as you can write poetry about something you really enjoy. I also seem to enjoy the detail even if it is short. That the 'crooked smile surrounded by a sea of wrinkles' describes her personality. Evil. That it is withered with wrinkles and something to which shows darkness.
Overall, I would rate this a 8.2/10
The wrinkles were intended to indicate her extreme age and make her frenetic behavior look more ridiculous. Dancing at that unholy hour of the night despite the glares of the householders is foolish. The poem is based on a real incident in which this senior citizen lady just didn't stop dancing while everyone else had gone home. Some younger men, I guess, were humoring her by staying around. We speculated that the blow to her nose delivered by her young dancing partner could have been requested by the hosts in order to retire her for the night.
Hey there, Radrook, CocoaCat here with a quick review!
I'm going to kick it off with grammar and punctuation.
I'm not really sure what you meant by this word, "A.M.mambo", unless you meant to put a space between the two.
In this phrase, "Floor-boards slap against the old lady’s", it should be the shoes that slap against the floorboards (side note: floorboards, not floor-boards.)
Instead of "bloodshot-eyed", rather "bloodshot-eyes".
In this little excerpt, "wishing she'd' desist" take away an apostrophe and your golden. "shed'd'" will then be "she'd".
There's a simple fix for this. "a sea of wrinkles percolating.". There are a few too many spaces between "wrinkles" and "percolating". Simple, common mistake, easily overlooked.
One more thing, a bit more punctuation (commas, periods, etc.) and BAM!
That's all for me, keep writing!
Thanks for the review. Will fix.